Life with Parkinson's Post #7- Is There Purpose or Pain?

I have dwelt on this subject nearly every day for the past 10 years. Why do I have PD (Parkinson's Disease)? How can I endure the pain? Is it more than just pain? Is there a purpose for this disease that controls mylife?

My belief system tells me that there is a purpose? It is a teacher to my soul. It is a guide for my wandering brain. I am the kind of personality that goes, goes, goes and goes some more. I was never content to be a stay at home mom. I would always find things, big things, to get involved in where I could use my creativity and my energy. Well, today all my energy is gone but my creative side is still on fire, needing an outlet. I have been reminded again and again that my time with my family could be short and they should come before any other activity, hobby, job, or interest. Mind you, a woman needs time to herself and especially needs to be able to express who she is every day. PD has taught me to never take for granted even one moment or opportunity to share my love and my service to family and friends. This is done in small ways; ways that do not overtax my body.

PD has also taught me that our bodies our precious tabernacles that house our souls. We have one life, one body and we should take care of it like it was a priceless gem. I'm acutely aware of every nuance of changing pain, weakness, mood, and thought. I do a daily mental inventory of my body's function. I live with daily pain; something that may never be corrected. I therefore, need to have a strengthening system to abide it. Music, dance, solitude, friends, God, family. Although, they are not necessarily in that order, my soul needs each one throughout any given day. Without them, I am lost. So I surround myself with opportunity which does not require great physical exertion to experience my strengthening system.

My friend, Patricia, visited me last night bringing me gifts and her exhuberant energy and conversation. She referred to me as 'a passionate mother'. I immediately said, "Ooh, I like that title!" Being passionate about life is a prerequisite for enduring it. Patricia has helped me see this. Thank you Patricia. Your energy still floats through our kitchen.

I take great solace in reading the scriptures. Whatever religious faith or philosophy you live by can be a good foundation for enduring the pain in your life, whether that pain is physical or emotional. I love the words of Timothy in 2 Timothy Chapter 4 verse 5-9.

"But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry.

For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.:

Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

Do thy diligence to come shortly unto me."

My faith happens to be Christianity. Jesus Christ is my master teacher. When I see him face to face I want him to know I endured, did the work that was required of me in this life (my ministry if you will), I fought a good fight, I was diligent in all things and waiting for me I hope to find great peace, love, and glory beyond anything this world knows. This is what truly keeps me going.

There is purpose in disease and pain. Some days I'm burning mad because my hands don't work and I can't play the piano when I have an opportunty or I can't execute a dance I want to because I'm shaking too much, I have a hard time holding my grandaughter and am afraid of dropping her. The anger eventually dissipates into thanksgiving when I realize how much I have to be thankful for. God is patient and waits for me to remember .....

When I remember, I move forward with renewed strength and find happy, even meaningful moments. This morning as I took my daughter to school, we stopped at the store and as we were walking back to our car we both communicated what a beautiful day it was; clean air, blue sky, perfect temperature. Both of us thankful for the mild weather. Then we heard a little frog croaking and tried to find him in the bushes next to our car. We didn't of course, but it was a fun moment. It was a personal, tender moment of thanksgiving; although seemingly insignificant to some.

I feel the pain in my leg, I try to ignore my slow moving fingers, my stiff posture, my fatigue at 10:00 in the morning. Is there purpose in my life other than being a statistic; one more person out of thousands who have PD? Yes, there is.

Today I had a meaningful moment with my 10 year old precious daughter, I had a phone conversation with my oldest 27 year old precious daughter, I have talked to two friends, I had strength to clean my kitchen, I am planning a visit to some other friends later. I read the scriptures and communed with God. I even had the strength to shower and fix my hair and put on makeup this morning. I will need a nap later, I will take a pain pill and be drowsy for a while but I will never forget the meaningful moments of this day; the people and places and things that made up those moments.

I am passionate, 47 year old woman with PD who has purpose. That's a good thing.