Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #30 Defining Moments

There are certain, defining moments in every life. We seem to mentally separate elapsed 'time' into categories; life categories.  Some common examples could be 'before my divorce', 'since my back injury', after the birth of my children'.  We all have emotional markers to index the sometimes complex events that make up our life, our existence.  As I contemplate my defining moments, I realize they are all influenced by my family. You know the saying..."You can't choose your relatives".....  I think it's very possible that at one point we did 'choose' ....or.....we will choose.

There are two kinds of awareness for me concerning my choices directed at my 'family'.  But first let me define 'family'.  It could mean anything from 'all the people living in the same house' to 'a group of similar or related people or things'. The makeup of the modern day family is as varied in its members as the world is diverse in cultures.

The first state of awareness I have of my 'family' is of blaming them for some personal injustice which is very apparent in my life's journey; apparent to me, that is.  After all, someone has to pay for my suffering. It is certainly clear to any casual observer that had my family acted differently, behaved better, my life would not have been so demeaning, so ill, so wasted. And as you know, this sort of summation has changed everything for the better...........NOT!!    Everything.... meaning the outcome of my life.  So...  this is a    -choice.

The second or 'later' awareness I only discovered at the tail end of the above suffering.  I am aware that each person whom I call 'family' wether by blood, by adoption, or by decided mutual affection or frienship; each individual is a person unto themselves, having a life of their own to figure out.  They have each made choices too.  They each decide how to get through it all; who to blame, who to dislike, who to avoid.....and so on.

These two evidences of an individual journey through a lifetime, I have discovered whether or not I wanted to.  And because of the 'discovery' now so concrete in my neural pathways; pathways that are being born among dead 'Parkinson's' brain tissue, I cannot stay on the same path.  My path now turns in a new direction, a fresh, beautiful direction filled with something different......   (I am having flashbacks of the TV series Star Trek-  ' a mission....to search out new life, to boldly go where no man (or woman in my case) has gone before').  I'm just short of being sappy. My brother Don, would have something funny/sarcastic to say about it, I'm sure.

All I know is that other people don't decide our future, we do. What family we ended up with is just what it is. Who our friends are- now that's another topic but it's also a choice, just the same.  We can only learn by living day in and day out, making decisions, developing relationships, giving, receiving, laughing, crying, and let's not forget dancing.....

Back to defining moments.....a big one for me-   the moment I realized that I accept and even appreciate my family for who and what they are and stopped trying to figure them out and/or change them.  And the moment I finally....... learned that I always have a choice of how to act and react to the journey I've been given.  It's no one's fault, there's no blame to dish out, I don't need a reason, I don't ask 'why me'.....
The biggest discovery is what a huge weight has been lifted from off of my shoulders and my weakened back.   We all have 'a journey' filled with problems, sorrows, pain, suffering. No one is exempt. And to balance it out, there is love and goodness and beauty all around as well.  It's just up to us to decide to see it.  And not to just see it but to experience it, savor it, and above all remember it.

Remember it, share it and keep going.  Who knows where we will end up?

I have hundreds of family pictures.  Let these suffice....

part of the 'Hill' family  April 2009

My family from then to now.....