Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #31 I've Learned to Baby Myself

I'm expecting my beloved 'baby' any day now. This blessed presence will come to me weighing in at over 70 lbs. The stork disguised as a UPS driver will bring her to me. Hopefully, he will handle her with care. I'm a worry wart, you know; worry, worry, worry. When she arrives all my dreams will come true. My anxieties will be at rest, my worries will diminish, my body will get back to it's 'normal' state. Expecting 'babies' is a lot of work. But when they arrive, the world is a better place. Rest, relaxation, comfort..............................

What am I talking about you say?
My baby is made of wood, some metal, and a strong nylon/cotton fiber. She can stand all by herself from the very minute she arrives, independence at it's best. She takes care of me. Who could have known this could be possible? She beckons me to let her show me how to relax. When I listen, the words housework and laundry are only fleeting memories of bygone days. As I spend more time with her, my eyes just want to close and my tired limbs melt into her like cotton candy in a bowl of warm water.

Oh, where was I? Yes. I am getting a bit impatient.

I've gone online to track her arrival time. It's amazing how in our time of great technologies, we can track such an event in cyberspace. She left her first home at 9:53 pm yesterday- Greenbay, Wisconsin. She made her first stop in OakCreek Wisconsin at 12:48 this morning and spent about 4 hours there. She resumed her journey to me at 4:33 am. I can feel her next to me all ready!!!! Two hours later she arrived in Hodgkins, Illinois. I don't think I like that name! Worry, worry. Her status is 'In Transit. On Time'. Her ETA - 5 days! 5 days? I can't wait that long? That's an eternity!

My body needs, I mean I need her today, now. Well.....at least I can think about her as she gets closer and closer. What will she really look like? Will she safely reach me? Only the higher powers (UPS) know for sure. Worry, worry....

She left Illinois at 10:11 am yesterday and I haven't heard a word in almost 24 hours about where my beloved baby is. Worry, worry.... I guess I'll just have to have faith in the stork. He'll get her through. He takes his job seriously. After all the best service there is- UPS (Unique Personal Service) is my stork. My trust in him takes my worry down at least one notch.

Another day of waiting has passed. The waiting of the final hours is the hardest; expectations, hopes.

My trusty cyberspace tracker tells me she arrived in San Pablo, CA last night at 7:45 which is just north of Richmond and Berkeley. The stork missed my house!! The "P" service is a bit lacking. I hope the big earthquake doesn't hit before the stork figures out where my baby belongs. I mention the 'big earthquake' probably because I'm a worrier and my baby could be in the San Franisco Bay after the 'big one'!
I'd never get to see her............ I think I may have digressed a bit. Sorry.

I see now that she is safe. She left the coast of California for the final leg of her journey at 12:30 am this morning- inland to good old Modesto. It won't be long now. I guess all the 'earthquake' talk was just a tad overkill on the worry. You can never be too careful, though.

It is Day 4. Maybe she will arrive a day early. Anything is possible!! I'm only hoping she will be happy here.
"Take care of my baby Mr Stork (UPS) man." Remember what the "P" stands for.......personal, protect, punctual!!

I'll be at my front window watching and listening for the rumble of that big brown bird come to a halt in front of my house; waiting to hear the footsteps up the walkway. Footsteps that only a stork can make. They have a hint of 'schedule' in them and 'pride' in a delivery made!!

Well, she has not arrived early. Shucks. I see she arrived in Ceres this morning at 3:30 am and was put on a special stork for delivery 'TODAY' !! I've been trying to keep myself occupied so I don't go mad with expectant worry. Any time now....!!!

Well, today was the day. ETA was correct- 5 days.  And now that I've waited 'paitently' I can finally show you my baby!!

Here she is.....

We shall be spending much time together.  That is after the stormy weather passes.  Wouldn't you know the entire 5 days I waited patiently, the skies were sunny, warm, balmy- perfect 'baby' weather.  And now that she is here it is cold, windy, and raining.  Well, I guess my baby is here for good and will keep until the sun comes out.  More waiting but, of course, I am a patient person .........and    uh uhm.....I have finally learned how to baby myself with that patience.  It might have something to do with back surgery and Parkinsons but then again, it is always good for ones health to relax, rest, and recreate no matter what your health status even if it is in your own backyard!  All of a sudden I like my own backyard a whole lot more!!  Wish me luck!!

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #30 Defining Moments

There are certain, defining moments in every life. We seem to mentally separate elapsed 'time' into categories; life categories.  Some common examples could be 'before my divorce', 'since my back injury', after the birth of my children'.  We all have emotional markers to index the sometimes complex events that make up our life, our existence.  As I contemplate my defining moments, I realize they are all influenced by my family. You know the saying..."You can't choose your relatives".....  I think it's very possible that at one point we did 'choose' ....or.....we will choose.

There are two kinds of awareness for me concerning my choices directed at my 'family'.  But first let me define 'family'.  It could mean anything from 'all the people living in the same house' to 'a group of similar or related people or things'. The makeup of the modern day family is as varied in its members as the world is diverse in cultures.

The first state of awareness I have of my 'family' is of blaming them for some personal injustice which is very apparent in my life's journey; apparent to me, that is.  After all, someone has to pay for my suffering. It is certainly clear to any casual observer that had my family acted differently, behaved better, my life would not have been so demeaning, so ill, so wasted. And as you know, this sort of summation has changed everything for the better...........NOT!!    Everything.... meaning the outcome of my life.  So...  this is a    -choice.

The second or 'later' awareness I only discovered at the tail end of the above suffering.  I am aware that each person whom I call 'family' wether by blood, by adoption, or by decided mutual affection or frienship; each individual is a person unto themselves, having a life of their own to figure out.  They have each made choices too.  They each decide how to get through it all; who to blame, who to dislike, who to avoid.....and so on.

These two evidences of an individual journey through a lifetime, I have discovered whether or not I wanted to.  And because of the 'discovery' now so concrete in my neural pathways; pathways that are being born among dead 'Parkinson's' brain tissue, I cannot stay on the same path.  My path now turns in a new direction, a fresh, beautiful direction filled with something different......   (I am having flashbacks of the TV series Star Trek-  ' a mission....to search out new life, to boldly go where no man (or woman in my case) has gone before').  I'm just short of being sappy. My brother Don, would have something funny/sarcastic to say about it, I'm sure.

All I know is that other people don't decide our future, we do. What family we ended up with is just what it is. Who our friends are- now that's another topic but it's also a choice, just the same.  We can only learn by living day in and day out, making decisions, developing relationships, giving, receiving, laughing, crying, and let's not forget dancing.....

Back to defining moments.....a big one for me-   the moment I realized that I accept and even appreciate my family for who and what they are and stopped trying to figure them out and/or change them.  And the moment I finally....... learned that I always have a choice of how to act and react to the journey I've been given.  It's no one's fault, there's no blame to dish out, I don't need a reason, I don't ask 'why me'.....
The biggest discovery is what a huge weight has been lifted from off of my shoulders and my weakened back.   We all have 'a journey' filled with problems, sorrows, pain, suffering. No one is exempt. And to balance it out, there is love and goodness and beauty all around as well.  It's just up to us to decide to see it.  And not to just see it but to experience it, savor it, and above all remember it.

Remember it, share it and keep going.  Who knows where we will end up?

I have hundreds of family pictures.  Let these suffice....

part of the 'Hill' family  April 2009

My family from then to now.....

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #29 A Message For a New Day'

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #28 Mission Accomplished- Slowly

This is my attempt at a  'do-it-yourself-low-budget'  kitchen makeover. Combine the low budget part and slow, unpredictably functioning hands and you have a sort of dryly humorous adventure.

For the most part, I love to paint- anything. So I do.  It's great to be the Mom!  My sweet husband follows my schedule more patiently than any other human being.  I couldn't have done it without his help, patience and love.  This is sounding sappy all ready.  You have to understand, our kitchen has been a sadly, dark room for too many years and it has been such a lift to my spirits and even to the spirit of our house to give the room a new, brighter look.  It was beyond my 'painting' skills to do all that needed to be done. Aren't I lucky to have a husband that not only dances and creates lasers but is very talented with a piece of wood and a saw and a sander.  He sanded and modified the cabinet doors and I painted everything. He re-hung the doors.  I knew it would be a huge undertaking for me, the 'Parkie'. So we have worked in stages, slow stages I might add.  We began in November of last year.  This is what the kitchen looked like before we started.

My sweetie with his sanding gear on. Doesn't he look like something from outer space or some cave exploration?  You wouldn't believe the amount of sawdust that this created.  We tried our best to tarp off the rest of the house and he had the vaccum on with the suction working the entire time he sanded. The doors he took outside to the patio and his table saw and we had sawdust outside also......For the last two months I've had sawdust footprints throughout the house.

The entire contents of the cabinets and drawers we were working on had to be relocated to another room.  Now that was fun.  When we needed a plate or spoon, we went to the bedroom to get it.  Or a pan, etc. It made for some interesting meals.

We made breakfast (toaster waffles) in the bathroom one morning when Ariana had a friend sleepover....

This is where all of our pots and pans lived for about a week.  And the buckets were my painting pedestals for the cabinet doors.  The buckets, by the way, are full of wheat (one of our emergency food storage items).

I worked on the painting as often as my hands and brain would allow.  Four and a half months later, we are 3/4 finished.  We still have to do the bottom half of one side of the kitchen.  It will have to wait until after my back surgery.  Here is a picture of the finished side.  I am so happy about how it turned out that I couldn't wait to blog about it.

Not bad for Parkie with a bad back.  I owe my success, as I said, to my husband and my daughter, Ariana, for being patient and helping me and taking orders so sweetly.  Thanks Darling, Thanks Ariana.

There is a little more light in my life.....it is helping to heal the dark places.....in my house and in my soul.