Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #27 Feeling Sorry For Ourselves Are We?

I decided to write away  my anguish and self-pity today.  It's anguish that creeps up when I let my guard down or rather when I forget how blessed I am.  It's self-pity that turns me into a whining, crying less than dignified me.  The disease, Parkinson's (I almost typed 'my disease', it is not my disease) is trying once again to spread and gain strength.  I feel confident, almost, that this is another misunderstood set of symptoms and that my usual 'diseased state' will re-emerge.  It is a disease that is so misunderstood and not understood that the uncertain and shifting faces of PD will most likely never be revealed or explained.  It is my opinion that a disease that slowly steals your body away from your living soul is as unique to each soul who is 'lucky' enough to experience it as each physical body is unique.  God created our bodies to house our souls so we could gain experience and knowledge and wisdom.  Each body is as unique as each soul is unique. Thus we handle disease differently.  We handle life differently.  See where I'm going with this?

This past week I have had to forgo many activities because of PD.  It's not that I want to hide away.  My hands don't move when my brain tells them to.  I cannot smile.  I cannot stand up straight.  I cannot sleep.  When I do sleep it is full of awful dreams that leave me more exhausted than when I went to bed.  These outward physical appearances are hard for most people to watch or recognize or understand.  It is tiring explaining it to one more person and watching their reaction or trying to soften the blow  when they realize what I'm talking about.  God has blessed me with a few friends and family members, however, who do understand and know how to get through the awkward situations with everyone's self-esteem and happy moment still intact. 

I really miss the spontaneity of life.  Once in a while I have a spontaneous experience and I savor it.  Writing is like that for me.  Right now, my fingers are working so I'm writing (typing that is).  For now, that has to serve as my spontaneous moment. 

To all my dance friends, I want you to know that I relish every moment of dancing with you and sharing that part of us that we all love- dancing.  It is what has kept me going for some 6 years now since I was diagnosed.  Unless there are chemicals somewhere, dancing nearly erases all my PD symptoms.  The music, my perfect dance partner, and good friends who understand my desire to dance all feed my brain with PD fighting food.  Thank you for that.  You'll never know really how much you impact my existence for good.
To those of you who have answered my call to dance 'Something in Red' and 'Takin a Chance on Love'...thank you, thank you for giving me the experiences I have dreamed about.  I may never have another chance to experience something like that again.  Never take for granted the moments here and now when you can do whatever you want to do.  I will treasure the memories and the videos of these days and months we spent learning to dance as a group.  I can only hope I will be granted more time for more dancing.....

So, I'm feeling a little better, a little less whiny, a little less picked on.  Let me tell you what I have to be thankful for-
You all know what a wonderful husband I have.

 I have 3 beautiful daughters and 1 beautiful stepdaughter.  My two oldest girls are married to 2 perfect sons-in-law.  I have 1 perfect grandaughter.  And I have 1 sweet, wonderful son and 1 exceptional stepson.

I have a lovely home and friends like you.  I live in this amazing land of America where I can exercise my freedoms and God given agency.  I can walk, talk and dance.  I can see, hear and taste.  I have great parents and siblings, even though some of them don't know it.

I am blessed.  I feel even better.  PD is fading into the background again.  It's all good.  Thanks for listening.
Life goes on. Tomorrow will be better. 

A message to end with-
Saint Theresa's prayer;
May today there be peace within.  May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content knowing you are a child of God.  Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us.

I was blessed to capture this sunset over a foggy San Francisco bay with my camera.  My friend Patricia tells me 'I am out of this world' to have captured this picture!  This picture has come to be my beacon of hope in a new day.  I have faith the sun will rise again for everything and for everybody....in time,  in time.   I will savor today and hope for more time....