My Moments Make Memories

My Summer Adventure

2011-08-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

In spite of my unpredictable state of health, I took a leap of faith and embarked on a ten day road trip to Idaho and Utah to visit family. I really needed to meet my grandson who is all ready seven months old. I had no idea what to expect stamina wise from my body. I was pleasantly surprised. My husband was prepared with a book on tape that made the long stretches of desert road less monotonous. Ariana had a few books she was avidly looking forward to reading along with her ipod that kept her quite happy as well.

We started our visiting in Pocatello, Idaho at Tracy's parents house. Then went south to Syracuse, Utah to visit my mom and two of my brothers. Two days before we were to depart California on our trip we were informed that my grandmother passed away. She was 96 and this was expected. The funeral had been scheduled during the week of our visit so I was very grateful to be a part of that. Before the day of the funeral we drove south again to Lehi, Utah and spent a few days with my oldest daughter, Nichole, and her family.


Look how much snow is on the mountains in the middle of July! This was taken from her backyard.

We ordered pizza in and watched a movie the first night and just relaxed and talked. Before dinnertime, Nichole set up the slip n slide for Brielle. Aunt Ariana got her suit on and joined in the water fun with her niece. Brielle copied everything that Ariana did......................


Brielle did not like me taking her picture.


Here's my little sweet cheeks, Beckham happy as always.

The following day we spent a few fun hours at the Linden Aquatics Center. What an amazing place!

It's nestled at the foot of the mountains just like everything in this part of Utah.

A swimming pool river complete with current.

Tracy and Ariana and Brielle in the background with her daddy, Chase.

The following day we said goodbye to Nichole and her family and drove north to spend the day with family from all over the country and to attend my grandma's funeral. The family name is McDowell; it's Scottish. It was so glorious for me seeing all my aunts, uncles, and cousins that I love so much. There are a lot of us and we filled the chapel and then the cultural hall for a family luncheon. My grandma was an amazing woman!

My mom spoke along with a few of her siblings. She's nervous speaking in front of people but she did an amazing job and I was so impressed and proud of her. We then departed south again to the Salt Lake City cemetery for the gravesite dedication. One of my uncles plays the bagpipes and had four other members of the Utah Pipe Band there to play the Scottish Rites, and other tunes like Scotland the Brave and Amazing Grace.


My mom and me before the dedication taking a much needed rest.


Members of the pipe band warming up.


My Uncle Gill and Aunt Ar from Florida. They are always so fun to see. Ar is always proud to note that she is an Orthodox Jew among all these Mormons. Love you, Ar.


Some of the McDowell clan waiting.


The Pallbearers- left to right. Gill McDowell wearing the family tartan, my cousin Neal Davis, my cousin Steve Davis, my cousin Ranch McDowell, my brother Brian Hill, my cousin Darren Ottley, and my uncle Chuck McDowell also wearing the family tartan.


All of my grandma's children except Chuck who was waiting to the side ready to play the bagpipes. Seated left to right- Gilbert, Joyce, Margaret, Martha, Elaine, and Annette.

My uncle Chuck playing Amazing Grace for his mother.
I love you grandma.

That same evening we stayed with my dad and stepmom in downtown Salt Lake City. Towards the evening we joined my brother Scott and most of his family and hiked the 1/2 mile trail to the top of Ensign Peak which overlooks the city on the north side. I still can't believe I did it. We watched the sun set at the top with a lot of other people. It was beautiful. This is where I was born and raised. It will always feel like home. Thanks Dad for believing I could do it.


The Salt Lake valley. You can see state street going all the way out.


I zoomed in to pick out the temple. Can you see it on the left?


Even on a rocky, desert mountain I can still find a flower.


Looking toward the Great Salt Lake.


My brother, Scott and some of his boys.


At this point Ariana was tired of pictures.

I love this one.


This beautiful sunset rivals those on the California coast.

The next day was Sunday and we attended church with my dad at their ward which meets in the Joseph Smith Memorial building on the corner of State Street and South Temple. It's a beautiful old building with intricate carvings in the details of the architecture and a splendid pipe organ. They usually have 100+ visitors on these holiday weekends. The next day was Pioneer Day, a state holiday. One of the reasons for our trip was to see the Days of 47 Parade. It's the largest parade in the Western United States. I grew up with this tradition so I felt like a kid again. We got to sit on the 4th story balcony of one of my dad's neighbors overlooking South Temple. There were hundreds of missionaries mingling with the crowd.


The floats lined up down South Temple. We were seated right at the starting point of the parade route.

They always start the parade with the motorcycle policemen. Can you hear my dad you-whoin?

The weather cooperated very nicely. It was overcast and cool throughout the parade.


I'm always amazed at the creative ingenuity of parade floats.

When there was a lull in the flow of floats my camera wandered.


This news helicopter hovered above us for a few minutes.


What would a parade be without clowns?


A portion of the Utah Pipe Band is visible getting ready to perform. They are what I had been waiting to see. My uncle is there somewhere.

Downtown Salt Lake City is so beautiful I just had to capture some of it.


When I was a girl this was the tallest building in downtown SLC.


A fitting patriotic view.

All in all it was a fun and fulfilling experience for me. I'm so glad I made the effort and so thankful to my husband for all of his help along the way. He took care of me so carefully the entire trip.

When we got home, we had a newly finished tiled kitchen waiting for us. Thanks to my talented and generous son-in-law, Chad for the skill and to my son, Cody, who gave up a Saturday also to help. I love it.

And to top it off, the day after we got home, our air conditioning unit went out. I guess we can't have our cake and eat it too. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away......... we'll have a new one installed hopefully within a few weeks. I hope you all had at least one adventure this summer.

A Journey of One Day #16 Notes

2011-05-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

Much has transpired since I last recorded my progress. Let me catch you up.
The second week in April I made the decision to resume the PD med ‘Sinemet’. My reasons for doing so are as follows-
    *I realized that my digestion was shutting down
    *I was still losing weight; down to 110 lbs.
    *I still could not swallow very well, even my own saliva
It had been 4 ½ months of no meds; a long, agonizing period for me.
Within about 2 weeks of resuming Sinemet (300 mg a day) I started moving better, swallowing, etc.
I am taking a minimal amount of the Sinemet and it is enough. I need to take enough to move but not enough to cause dyskinesia (erratic, uncontrolled movement). Dyskinesia is caused by PD meds. My body still uses the Sinemet very quickly so I take 50 mg every two hours and have pretty consistent ‘on’ time. I will not resume the other PD med, Requip. That one causes obsessive behaviors that I am happy to do without. I am still feeling withdrawal symptoms from Requip, I believe. I have read that it takes an enormously long time to rid the body of this medication. And going off of it can create a scenario something like a stroke. I agree.
These medications are so dangerously complex. The neurology world really does not understand them like you would think or hope they do.
I’m taking my current knowledge from the book ‘Medications of Parkinson’s or Once Upon a Pill’ published online by Janice Walton-Hadlock. It is a comprehensive six-year history of Parkinson’s patient’s experiences with dopamine enhancing drugs and supplements. The web address is   www.pdrecovery.org    entitled The Parkinson’s Recovery Project.
I continue to take a supplement called ‘Aquas’; a homeopathic formula which stimulates cellular detoxification. I take one drop twice a week. It’s that powerful. I also take a line of supplements called USANA. They include antioxidants, CoQ10, a full range of vitamins, amino acids and chelated trace minerals, calcium/magnesium, and omegas. I take these twice a week also. This is the first line of supplements that my body actually assimilates well.
My daughter, Clair, and her husband and baby have moved in with us for a while. She discovered a book called ‘The Raw Food Detox Diet. Together we are following an 80% raw food meal plan. She wants to lose weight and I want some pure nutrition to help my healing endeavor. I couldn’t do this without her to fix the food. It takes 2-3 hours a day of chopping and fixing. It also entails some specific, consistent shopping for fresh fruits and vegetables; organic if possible, not to mention all of the other raw food items. It’s been five days since we started and I’m all ready noticing some definite changes in my body. I am sleeping better, eliminating better and first thing in the morning. My muscles don’t hurt as much. I am losing my cravings for sugar. They’re not gone but it’s not as strong. I have more daily stamina and more consistent ‘on’ time.
I am still dealing with the chronic pain from the permanent nerve damage in my lower back which affects my right leg. But it’s mostly controlled with minimal pain medicine and not overdoing on bending, lifting, and walking too much. Ballroom dancing has always helped the pain believe it or not as long as I stay away from the high impact dances like Lindy Hop, Fast swing and Jive. The other dances help, I’m told by my physical therapist, because they require the correct lengthening of the long muscles of the legs and the posture of the back is consistently correct, aligned. I’m actually feeling and moving well enough to try ballroom again. My doctors encourage it. There’s a dance tonight we may attend.
My goal is still to heal my body to a point where I’m producing enough native dopamine to function like everyone else. The only dent in that plan is that my brain has been relying on synthetic dopamine so long that I may never regain the full potential of native dopamine production.
Dancing has always seemed to be good for me so I’ll keep at it.

A Journey of One Day #15 Notes

2011-03-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

March 16, 2011 Notes

It’s been a while since I made a progress report because I haven’t had much to report. I feel that I am still progressing, although slowly. I’m starting to see a few days where I have more function. The function that I am talking about is more of involuntary functions and my body’s core movement. For instance, I can get up and down easier without help more consistently. I can sit and read a book. I can comb my hair and wash my face slowly. I can do a little more on the computer.

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor for a sinus infection. After antibiotics I am feeling better. Any kind of illness depletes Dopamine. It’s been 13 weeks without any PD meds. I still experience withdrawal symptoms, though they are not as severe. I don’t need the medicines any longer that counter acted the withdrawal symptoms. I do still have body pain. I still have the usual old pain from my back injury. And I strained the tendon in my right shoulder from pushing myself up and down because all the weight is on my shoulders.

I keep myself entertained by watching movies, reading books, and doing computer work, and visiting with my family. Thank you to all of you who have sent me e-mails. I still maybe a few months before I start going out of the house.

I think I have come through the hardest part of coming off the PD meds. Some days I feel it will never end but most of the time I am still very optimistic. I miss my life but this is necessary. I am looking forward to spring and warmer weather. My hammock is waiting for me.

A Journey of One Day #14 Notes

2011-02-11T10:49:00.000-08:00

February 11, 2011 Notes

Well I’m finally feeling well enough to think. I’ve had a four week long battle with the cough and cold crud. Today is the first day I have no runny nose or cough.

Now that my virus is clearing up I can see major improvements in my motor function. As I stated before having a virus in your body uses dopamine to fight it. In the last few days, I have been able to almost completely dress and undress myself. It’s still very slow, but I can do it. I can get up and down from a sitting position much easier, move around a bit more while laying down, and I’m not as fatigued. Today I felt so good that I did all the sales reports for the vending business on the computer. I need very little pain medication now. I still get a few body spasms and shakes in the early morning hours, but they are not bad. I’m swallowing easier and today I could actually lift a cup to drink instead of using a straw. My speech is still a bit slow and slurred, but it is getting a stronger tone to it. I'm sleeping pretty well at night, getting up only once.

Tomorrow will the nine-week mark of no PD drugs and thirteen weeks from the time I started tapering the drugs. This is all in keeping with the experiences that were recorded in the Parkinsons Recovery Project. However, I think mine is going much better than expected, according to the time line. I think it could take another few months for me to recover fully. One thing, that is a wonderful thing to get back, is just to be able to relax my muscles. I still have some balance issues but I am walking steadier now and taking bigger steps.

I have ventured out twice to church in the last three weeks. Once to Stake Conference, and once to see my grandaughter, Afton’s, blessing. I even walked up to the stand and bore my testimony. Being around people too much is still very tiring. Even though I am seeing improvements, it’s still going to be important for me to stay home and focus on me. In another two weeks, I may try to start driving Ariana to and from school. Another Mom from her school has been doing this for me all this time.

I’ve done a lot today and now I’m feeling tired, but it felt good to do something rather than lay or sit. It is working. I’m still hopeful.

A Journey of One Day #13 Notes

2011-01-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

January 19, 2011 Notes

I’m nearing a milestone, I’m almost to the ten week mark. All of the withdrawal symptoms; stomach constriction, body pain, and the nighttime shakes are all rapidly decreasing now. Yesterday I went the whole day without feeling stomach constriction. The body pain seems to be traveling to different parts of my body; one part gets to feel better when another starts to hurt.

The cause of the body pain is very interesting to me. When I understand it, it’s easier for me to bare it patiently. And the pain pills help too. All through our body, in every system, but mostly in the structural, we have what are called, proprioceptors. The definition of this term is- ‘a sensory receptor, found chiefly in muscles, tendons, joints, and the inner ear, that detects the motion or position of the body or a limb by responding to stimuli arising within the organism’. So I am right in the thick of regenerating mine.

I’m starting to see some slight improvement in movement control. I can feed myself all the time now. I have been able to make myself a cup of herb tea, button a few buttons. I even folded up a blanket. I can get up and down easier from sitting to standing. And I’m starting to be able to move myself around on my bed. I only need to get up once during the night now. Swallowing is getting better and better. I’m able to eat more solid foods and I have put on a few pounds. I still need help with most things but I’m feeling a bit more independent.

I see a pattern of good and bad days. I realized a few days ago that I had a virus in my lungs and sinuses. Viruses deplete Dopamine. I started taking a viral herb formula and an antibiotic for a sinus infection. I feel the difference after two days. By that I mean that killing the virus has helped improve my movement. I still sleep a lot during the day. This feels so good. I haven’t slept this well or this much in ten years.

So my end goal is getting closer. I’m very optimistic about the future. I still need to take things slowly and not over-do. I’m sure there will be more set backs, that will always be followed by improvement. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

A Journey of One Day #12 Notes

2011-01-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

January 12, 2011 Notes

Withdrawal symptoms – I still experience body pain at the end of the day, diaphragm constriction, and the shakes at night. The DC is starting to lessen and is easier controlled. The shaking at night only happens after I have been asleep for awhile. It subsides if I get up and walk around. The Dilauded and Valium help only to a certain point now. The protein shakes have helped a lot with my energy levels and returning muscle strength.

I feel the withdrawal symptoms slowing down though I still have a few weeks before I really see improvement in motor function. My appetite is better though I still don’t have the coordination to eat enough. That will come.

Unlike taking a pill to fix this, it does not happen overnight. It is hard to wait for a natural body process to play out. But in the end it’s worth it! I’m continuing having bi-weekly Bowen therapy, Jin Shin Jitsyui therapy weekly, and taking the various supplements that are all part of this recovery process.

I think it is harder for you out there, my friends and family, to be patient than it is for me. It’s a complex situation to understand. I still feel good about my decision, I just need to keep waiting for time to do it’s work.

A Journey of One Day #11 Notes

2011-01-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

Monday January 10, 2011 Notes

Cody was able to find a good formula called Spiru-tein as meal replacement shake for me to drink twice a day in between meals. I add two capsules of protein digestive aid and one capsule of Choline Bitartrate. It’s very easy to mix, no blender needed and it tastes great. I’ve already gained back one pound and I have more energy. The insomnia is starting to decrease. The only problem I have at night now is needing help to move every few hours. I’m sleeping a lot still during the day which is good. This means that my dopamine levels are increasing. The swallowing difficulties are also improving slightly. I still move very slow and speak very slow. I’m feeling a possible respiratory problem like bronchitis. I have a doctor checking that out today.

I decided to cut my hair very short since I couldn’t take care of it. A girl in Clair’s ward is a hair stylist and has a business in her home. She was kind enough to come to my home to cut my hair. So the next time you see me, you may not recognize me. I love the haircut.

I still believe that I am progressing well enough even though it may not seem like it to those who see me. After nearly two weeks of needing Tracy to feed me, I’ve been able to feed myself the past two days. It’s just over the eighth week mark and I am waiting for more improvements at the ten week mark.

Nichole’s baby looks like it’s going to be born early; probably this week. It’s a boy. We are waiting to hear anytime now. So I will not be going to Utah for obvious reasons just yet. When I am stronger and functioning on my own, I will make the trip to see my new grandson. It may not be for a few months.

The weather here continues to be very cold (30s and 40s) with a lot of rain so I continue to stay in the house. Keeping warm is so important in relation to how I can move. I continue to have a lot of body pain. The following statement is an excerpt from the book by Janis Walton-Hadlock called “Medications of Parkinson’s Disease”. It explains about the body pain. Quote: “Restoration of blood vessels, proprioception, and temperature sensitivities in the extremities are some of the most painful aspects of Parkinson’s recovery. Unmedicated patients may find these symptoms very painful. The recovering person that is reducing medications may find them even more so”. However, for me this pain is nothing like the pain I experienced with my back injury. I am weathering it with low doses of pain medicine. I am needing Valium for the muscle spasm’s less and less. All in all I still believe the process is going as well as could be expected and I still have the support of my doctor.

So don’t worry too much. I’ve been assured that I will make it through and recover my health.

A Journey of One Day #10 Notes

2011-01-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

January 7, 2011 Notes

I know you are all wondering how I am really getting along. The truth is, I’m not always sure. I just came out of two days of worsened symptoms. I believe this was due to the last Bowen therapy session. It is very interesting, the Bowen therapy, you lay on a massage table fully clothed. The practitioner, dose certain pressure and rolling movements on certain muscle groups from the head down to the toes. These movements reset the proprioceptors at reflex points. This in turn starts a wave of changes through out the central nervous system, which promotes healing of whatever ails you. You can find licensed practitioners on the Internet. That’s how I found mine.

At this point my body seems to be the weakest it’s ever been. To me it feels like just weak muscles and not true Parkinson’s anymore. This goes right along with the stories of the other patience I read about. My muscles are learning a new communication system of native neurotransmitters (not synthetic pills). And I no longer have any stores of adrenaline which I used to operate on.

Those of you, who have talked to me on the telephone, may wonder at my slow and slurred speech. Partly its due to the sedating medications I have taken to control the awful muscle spasms and violent shaking. What many doctors and even neurologists don’t know is that PD drugs are more addictive, therefore having worse withdrawal symptoms than Heroine, Cocaine, and the like.

Another thing that was brought to my attention is that I am not digesting protein. Undigested protein can cause havoc on the kidneys. I’ve had nearly constant kidney pain. So I purchased a protein digestive aid supplement that is helping alleviate that problem. The next concern is my diminishing weight. It’s very hard for me to eat The act of sitting up, lifting up my arm, chewing, swallowing, and breathing all at the same time is exhausting. My diet is limited to plain broth soups, oatmeal, water, and almond milk. Any dairy products create mucus that I choke on. Cody and Tracy are currently searching for a meal replacement drink that has a formula I can tolerate.

We recently purchased a used recliner that helps with my comfort levels quite a bit. Tracy and I came up with a new nighttime plan. He gets me situated on the couch before he goes to bed then sets his alarm for every two hours. He gets me up to walk around and use the bathroom. Then I can lay down again for another two hours, and so on. This is necessary since I can not move my own body. Again this is only temporary.

I got some better sleep last night, so I called this an “up” day. Thank you for your phone calls and E-mails. I’m not always able to talk or respond right away. That is why I have someone type these updates. It’s been nearly eight weeks now since I started this process. Everything I’ve experienced was to be expected. Just keep remembering that I know there is an end in sight. By that I mean recovering from Parkinson’s. Others have done it. So will I. Heavenly Father has been with me every step along the way. I certainly feel all of your prayers.

I am still not ready for visitors except my children. I will let you know when that changes. My love to all.

A Journey of One Day #9 Notes

2011-01-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

Friday December 31, 2010 Notes

On Saturday December 25, Christmas night, my symptoms of withdrawal escalated drastically. The symptoms were extreme rigidity in the torso and violent shaking, constriction in the diaphragm so as to create the illusion of shortness of breath. It was so scary I had my husband take me to the Emergency Room. They evaluated my symptoms and asked what I wanted them to do for me. I said my main concern was receiving relief from the extreme muscle spasms. At this point I hadn’t slept in three days. Every time I laid down I would choke and feel like I couldn’t breath. The shaking would get worse. So they put and “IV” in and initially gave me 2 mg of Valium. The muscle spasms were very painful. After 30 minutes when the symptoms and pain were still present I asked for more Valium and 2mg of Dilaudid. This did the trick and calmed my shaking and my pain. It also caused my respiratory rate to drop dangerously low though nobody realized it. They discharged me. But as soon as we got out to the car I went into a state of not being able to breath. They re-admitted me to the ER, gave me oxygen and monitored my respiratory symptoms and heart rate. After ten hours I went home functioning fairly well. I mostly slept for the next 24 hours. They sent me home with a Valium which I took when ever the shaking would come back. My neurologist called me to make sure I was ok. She is still supporting my decision and has referred one patient to read my blog posts. It seemed the Valium would decrease my movement in my hands so I switched to Dilaudid to help with the spasms and to help with sleep. I am still able to feed myself as long as someone prepares my food and I can use the bathroom on my own. Sometimes I need help getting my pants up. I have bouts of crying and frustration. But mostly I’m still determined to weather these weeks of withdrawal and adjustments in my brain. I’m still continuing to read about the experiences of the patients in the Parkinsons recovery group in Santa Cruz which offers me many valuable insights that help me understand the things my body is experiencing. At this point I am guarded in my projection of my complete recovery as to the exact time frame. There are so many stages of the recovery process and I’m not sure even with the experiences I’ve read about just how many of these stages I have gone through. I would like to think I’m nearly through with the withdrawal process. It has been 45 days or 6.5 weeks since I started the withdrawal. The experience of others show that it is at least a ten week process. I had one Bowen therapy during this time on December 28. I stopped all JSJ and supplements to let my body catch-up. I decided through some muscle testing to start taking Choline Bitartrate which is the precursor the body needs to make Acetyl Choline. This is the neuro-transmitter that moves the muscles. This is an often overlooked Neuro-transmitter. Dopamine and Acetyl Choline work together. I am also deficient in Acetyl Choline.

Monday 27 I took 5mg of Valium in two doses
Tuesday 28 I took 5mg of Valium in two doses
Wednesday 29 I took 5mg of Valium in one dose and slept till 4:00 am.
At this point my fingers were not moving. The muscle spasms have stopped.
Thursday 30 I tried Dilaudid instead to help with the night time muscle spasms and to help me sleep. It worked well. An interesting observation I’ve made is that Dilauded effects me differently now that I am off PD drugs. It used to keep me awake. Now it sedates me.
Friday December 31 I took 2mg Dilaudid at 4:30 am and again at 10:30am. I took 1500 mg of Choline Bitartrate at 1:00 pm. I’m continuing to feel the heaviness in my sleep. My body temperature still fluctuates dramatically from hot to cold.

Sunday January 2, 2011 Notes

Last night at 10:00 I took 1mg Dilaudid and 1.25mg of Valium. I couldn’t relax and I had a lot of body pain. I slept for a few hours. After that I didn’t do very well all night At one point I put pillows on the bathroom floor. I got comfortable there on my side because its warmer in the bathroom and I couldn’t get warm. I was feeling still tired this morning and woke up with whole body muscle cramping. Whenever I wake up I do it with a shake. I’ve read this is common for recovering PD’ers. It could be better phrased “I shake awake”. As far as my movement goes, I take small steps unless I really think about it then I can take larger ones. It’s difficult to lift my arms over my head but I can do it slowly. Sometimes I can lift a spoon to my mouth and sometimes I can’t. Drinking with a straw is easier because I can’t lift my cup and tilt my head back at the same time. I know now that any swallowing difficulty is simply a muscle spasm of the esophagus and is a withdrawal symptom that will eventually go away. I can smile if I hear something funny enough. My voice comes and goes in volume. I have a hard time making the “P” sound. I can if I think about it and say it slow. I have a hard time standing up straight. My arms don’t swing when I walk. I’ve actually been able to sign my name twice in the last three weeks. The writing looked like mine but was a bit smaller. Once I’m sitting its difficult to move my body while I’m sitting. Unless I have enough momentum I don’t get up out of the sitting position very easily. I still can’t control saliva very well. Today I’m feeling increasing body pain and feel very week muscle wise. This is all to be expected. It has been seven weeks since I started reducing my meds and three since I have had zero PD medication. I still cry easily. That’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I try hard not to cry though because then my nose drips. My fingers are not working at all.

A Journey of One Day #8 Notes

2010-12-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

Thursday December 23, 2010 notes

On Saturday the 18th my withdrawal symptoms hit their worst. I was completely frozen except for walking. My hands could not move, I could barely speak and for the first time I didn’t know what to do and I was feeling hopeless. Earlier in the day I began to cry and could not stop but didn’t know why exactly I was crying. Cody had come to see me that evening and we had a good visit; a very emotional but positive interchange. About 7:00 PM I decided to call Elaine Morris to have her help me do some JSJ. She agreed to help. She worked on me for two hours at which time I was moving again. That is, to the degree that I was before the extreme freezing set in. That night I was racked with whole body spasms most of the night. In the morning I took a Dilaudid which calmed down the spasms. I then slept most of the day until about 1:00 PM. My hands are still not moving well enough to function on my own. I went back to Elaine’s again. She did more JSJ for another two hours. I had another hard night though not as many body spasms. On Monday morning I had Tracy go get some Lobelia tincture to help with the body spasms. It seemed to help taking twenty drops at a time. I didn’t want to rely too much on Dilaudid since it is also habit forming. I went back to Elaine’s again and met Tdok. Elaine and I discovered through muscle testing that I had the trapped emotion of shame in my hands and I needed to release it in order to regain the movement of my hands with or without Dopamine. We used the Emotion Code method of 110 swipes with a magnet. I will continue to go to Elaine’s each day to have her do JSJ until I can do it on myself. I am noticing a gradual increase (very gradual) of improvement in all aspects of motor function. It seems that my hands are the last place that my body sends Dopamine for now. Last night I slept on Ariana’s bed to try to get through the night without waking up Tracy. Her bed is situated such that I can lay more comfortably and turn myself over. Her room is also quite warmer. So I need less blankets. I found that I rested fairly well. I woke up at 12:30, 2:30, 3:30, 5:30, and then got up at 7:00. Even though I woke up a lot I went back to sleep each time and slept fairly well until my body got too stiff in that position. I didn’t have as many body spasms and only used Lobelia. I’m going to increase the frequency of doses of Lobelia to every two hours to help the stomach cramping and the overall body cramping. I believe that the trouble that I have with swallowing is simply cramping of the esophagus and it is also a withdrawal symptom. I believe the JSJ is playing a big role in the speed and ease of my recovery. I will continue to have it done or do it everyday. My Dopamine system is still awakening and my muscles are still weak from the absence of the adrenaline I have lived on for ten years now. I am convinced that my slowness of movement is due to, in part, a mere general weakness of muscle tissue rather than a Dopamine deficiency. I have learned in my readings of Janice Walton-Hadlock that as I continue to recover my Dopamine system, it will be important to avoid extreme cold, any kind of infectious disease like a virus or bacteria and social stress. These three things are all big Dopamine depleters. By the way these last few posts I have had someone else typing as I am not able to unless I want it to take me three days. And thanks to my dear husband and daughter, I get dressed, bathed and fed everyday. I believe the worst of the non-function days are behind me.

A Journey of One Day #7 Notes

2010-12-17T19:34:00.001-08:00

December 17, 2010 Notes

I recently received a supplement called ‘Aquas’; a cell hydration formula. I believe it was developed by John Colemen of Australia, who recovered himself from Parkinsons. It’s a homeopathic formula which works on a cellular level in the body. I took the maximum dosage recommended on the bottle (7 drops) three times in thirty-six hours. I took a nose dive in function. The formula had triggered a release of toxins from my cells that now had to be processed. It was hard sliding backwards in function but I knew it would lift in a few days, and it did. So now my plan is to take the formula again starting with one drop. Homeopathics can be very powerful if used correctly. My goal is to get the most amount of recovery with the least amount of downtime in function. Today I saw a tiny bit of improvement in my motor function. I have been experiencing a flare up in my old nerve pain in my right leg caused from earlier back injuries. The new research shows that when you withdraw from these medications, the weakest part of your body is targeted with symptoms; but they are just symptoms only. I will continue to play cat and mouse with symptoms and help for the symptoms. When the nerve pain got too bad, I needed pain medicine. However, too much of this pain medicine could slow down my recovery process. Another acute symptom that is very painful is the abdominal cramping. I constantly feel like I have a ten-pound weight on my solar plexus. There is a drug that recovering addicts are prescribed to help with this which I took. I decided to research this drug (as I do with all drugs). What I found was that it is also an addictive substance that depresses the central nervous system. It worked well for the abdominal cramping but it will slow down my recovery process. So I called my herbal nutritionist guru friend here in Modest who has a health food store. He recommended a great herbal formula called “Herbal Muscle Cramp Formula”. It is also very potent and should be taken with caution. It is much easier on the central nervous system though and has worked well for the abdominal cramping. It is day 33 into my journey of going off of PD drugs. It has been 7 days since I took my last PD pill. Wow does it feel good to not live on a pill schedule. I believe now I will see a gradual improvement in function each day. It could take up to ten weeks; however, before I am done having withdrawal symptoms. I still have a lady come in everyday for five hours to help me. Hopefully I won’t need her too much longer. Tracy and Ariana are off work and out of school now until January 3. They take very good care of me. I actually went on three driving excursions with my helper to do some Christmas errands. I could drive ok, I just couldn’t get my seatbelt on by myself or get my money out of my wallet and I got very tired after the trips. So on I go.

A Special Visitor

2010-12-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

I had the best Christmas visitors today!! Clair and Afton ! What a little beauty just like her cousin, Brielle. Her momma is looking fabulous too.

What a sweetie pie. Good work Clair. Love you both.

A Journey of One Day #6 Notes

2010-12-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

I am seeing now that I don’t have any medication going into my brain, I can distinguish real movement from synthetically induced movement. I do the JSJ (Jin Shin Jitsyui) three times a day, and it always spurs more natural movement. I had a few minutes of perfect hand movement last night. I slept better than I have in the last four weeks. I also woke up with better hand movement than I have had in the last four weeks. As the day wore on I got slower again, and then after more JSJ movement picked up again slightly. I believe that proper meals, hydration, and positive thinking all play an integral role in my movement. I am feeling very sleepy and some muscle weakness, but it is not extreme. And usually if I sleep during the day, even for a short time, I wake up with good had movement. It only lasts sometimes for fifteen minutes or less but that’s ok for now. I will call this phenomenon HMWS (hands move with sleep). I find that I’m laughing more and easily. I’m enjoying the taste of food for the first time in years; meaning real food, not junk food. Now remember I have not taken any synthetic dopamine in 3 days. This is proof that my brain is re-awakening to produce native dopamine. It will take some time (not sure how much) for my muscles to learn how, or rather, remember how to use native dopamine. It’s all good. I feel it coming back to me. There are times when I’m doing JSJ, when my body is flooded with a sense of euphoria. I’m assuming this is dopamine and other neurotransmitters digging into forgotten territory- tired, atrophied muscles.
The human body is amazing…………………………

A Journey of One Day #5 Making Progress

2010-12-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

It is day 31 into my journey to no drugs and no PD. I am now off of all medications for PD. My withdrawal symptoms have not been bad compared to some people’s experiences I have read about. My movement is still very slow. But I can still feed myself and go to the bathroom by myself. Thank Goodness! We hired a lady to come help take care of me during the day when I am alone, and to help with housework and meals. I am still doing weekly trips to Oakland for Bowen Therapy. I do daily Jin Shin Jitsyui Therapy by myself along with meditation and relaxation. The relaxation comes easy since I can’t do much else any way.

My feeling is that in a few weeks I will be moving again, pretty close to normal. Its still takes tremendous faith and self control to keep my fears in check. But on this score God has assured me that it will be as I have said.

I find that I am surprised that I am not more restless being constantly in the house. But I am actually enjoying it. This is due to the fact that my brain is no longer being driven by adrenaline. For probably the first time my body is learning to exist and move with all the correct brain chemicals. It could take another six months for my brain and body to be completely in sync. I also see how my thought processes are also now being triggered in the correct way. In the morning when I look at my face in the mirror I see softer eyes and they seem more real.

I shared my intentions of quitting PD drugs with my neurologist last week. I was pleasantly surprised at her reaction. She told me after I had explained it all to her that she thought it was reasonable. She asked me to stay in touch with her and report my progress. I thanked her for being open and for really listening to me. She said if she were in my place, she may do the same thing. She knows that I am the kind of person that needs to look for what’s best for me and my health and she said as my doctor she will be supportive and help me in any way she can. The big kicker here was when she said she would like to share my experience and knowledge with some of her other patients who are at about the same place I was in dealing with their PD. This made me very happy. Thank you Dr. Hansrote! I am keeping an extensive journal of each day during this process. This could be very helpful for others. It is how I was able to safely come to this point; by reading what others had done. I will be forever grateful to those individuals that were part of the Parkinson’s Recovery Project in Santa Cruz, CA. And also to John Coleman, a Naturopath in Australia for his work with Parkinson’s recovery. You could call these people pioneers of sorts.

I have come to the conclusion that one’s journey is always built upon another’s journey. That’s why we are here on this earth; to help one another along the way. I believe my journey will see brighter days ahead. I hope to be able to travel to Utah the first week of February when my grandson, Beckham, is born. My second grandaughter was born December 9. She is named Afton. These two sweet, noble spirits, being born at such a time, are a symbol of my ‘new life’ ahead. We’ll be starting out together!!

Afton 4 hours old

Beckham ^shopping with Mom

MERRY CHRISTMAS !

A Journey of One Day #4 A few notes

2010-12-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 2

I wake up moving slow, I get slower within two hours, It’s hard to fix my own breakfast but I do it. Feeding myself is very slow. I choke easily so I keep the foods soft or chew very well. I tell myself again and again this is temporary.
My main focus needs to be eating well, keeping warm, no anxiety causing situations, sleep, meditation and therapy (Bowen and Jin shin Jitsyui).

In three weeks I have reduced one drug by 75% and the other one by 50%.
My withdrawal symptoms have been mild so far. My brain is constantly working to adapt to these changes. I can see now how the available dopamine moves from the limbic area (automatic body functions), to the frontal lobe (thought processing), and to the motor area. As the dopamine enhancing drugs are reduced, my brain is awakening its own dopamine production. It takes time. No quick fix here.

My voice and word enunciation are affected by the drug withdrawal. In fact all the previous symptoms caused by the PD drugs become w/d symptoms; insomnia, severe muscle cramping (only in my rt foot). Other w/d symptoms are the chills and sweats, diaphragm constriction, erratic, traveling body pain, and bouts of extreme emotion.

I move better as the day progresses for small time periods. It will all improve more rapidly after I am off the drugs.

When I’m not doing all of the above, I pass the time by watching movies, listening to audio scriptures downloaded from lds.org, and documenting this experience.

I’m doing better than I expected. Keep praying for me.

My journey is not in vain. One precious day at a time, moment by moment, slow and steady wins the race.

Sending my love-

Mom/ Tracy

A Journey of One Day #3

2010-11-29T08:10:00.000-08:00

Friday, November 26 The day after Thanksgiving

According to research in the recent neurology world, just thinking hopeful thoughts helps your brain to produce dopamine; the thing my brain lacks.
And according to the work and writings of Janice Walton-Hadlock, the newest pioneer (in my estimation) in conclusive PD patient help, dopamine has it’s use and need in many parts of the brain, not just the motor area. She also proves that the marvelous human brain makes no mistakes. It does whatever is necessary to protect itself to keep our bodies functioning at whatever level. It is man that makes mistakes with his/her actions, words, thoughts, with harmful drugs, etc. And if a brain which has taken significant injury due to emotional trauma and harmful drugs, it will need very specific actions to recover. The key here is that it is possible to recover to a certain point, depending on the person’s particular body and situation. This is happening. PD patients are recovering to the point of normalcy. Mind you, they are few and they are not spotlighted by anyone. It is against the law to be cured of disease. It makes more than one medical professional nervous when you start talking about recovery from Parkinson’s.

However, these few individuals are speaking up and speaking out to find others who may have the courage and desire to recover as well. It is happening! BUT………………..it is a long and arduous nightmare if not approached correctly. This process is understood by very few.

To undergo this transformation from PD to ‘normal’ one must make a complete lifestyle change. This change is to allow the ‘adrenaline’ brain to be turned off and the ‘dopamine’ brain to re-awaken. These changes for me include doing nothing but focusing on relaxing my body, clearing my mind of the past negative ‘things’, sleeping, meditating, connecting with God, laughing, doing whatever is necessary to develop the dopamine brain back into action. This process in the brain of awakening dormant dopamine activity can take 6 months or longer after clearing the brain of all drugs.

90% of my existence in the next 6 months will be in my home, chemical free, controlled temperature, a quiet, spiritual atmosphere, safe and nurturing. This is what I need as well as some Bowen Therapy and some specific nutrition. My family knows they will be functioning without me in a manner.
While I wait for native dopamine to build, I experience hard moments which require extreme faith in the future and knowledge that God is beside me.
For example, yesterday I had 2 hours of time where I could move freely without struggling. The rest of the 22 hours I sat or lay motionless or shuffled around at a snail’s pace. You should have seen me trying to tell my husband how to make a pie for Thanksgiving. Funny….

This is my only alternative to the horrors of dyskinesia caused by PD drugs. I’m at the point of no return. It’s only forward without the drugs.
My hands are shutting down now as my body uses the available dopamine for things like breathing and maintaining body temperature. Movement is on the back burner until further notice.

We spent Thanksgiving eating and watching old movies. Relaxed, loved, focused on ‘hope’. I feel my brain and body changing, no longer driven by adrenaline. It’s like James Brown’s song……..I feeeeeeel good………..sort of.

Here are some things that give me hope-

my newly remodeled living room and our kitty named Whisker’s

beautiful birds that visit my backyard, large and small

brilliant sunsets

I’ve been typing with one finger for some time now. Time for meditation and sleep even though I only got up 2 hours ago……

A Journey of One Day #2

2010-11-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

A new day dawns rainy, cold. I watch out my window as two tiny yet stout birds find morning sustenance among my backyard plants. One is content to sit on the concrete and enjoy his meal unaware I am ten feet from him. His friends are in the tree above him and beckon him up. They are protected by the thick foliage of this tree and the camouflage it provides. One or two of them come down and grab a bite quickly then they are gone again. They are no bigger than a small egg. They seem to have limitless energy. Watching them has brought my hands to life.
I was awake early today. I said goodbye to my darling as he journeyed yet another time the long road to his job. I have the thought in my head to find all the candles we have and organize them and put them somewhere they will be easily accessible. I am prompted to go and buy some more today. That is done. I sit at my computer and read emails and listen and read uplifting words and one from an interesting lady named Keisha Crowther talking about how the world, earth, is changing and will be changed completely to it’s Heavenly state within 2 years and how we should prepare, change the way we live to reflect only the heart and love and not fear what is coming but glory in it.
It is quiet, peaceful, warm in my house. Ariana and her friend, Lexia are still asleep. Their school has a fall break this entire week. I look at my hammock, outside the slider door on the patio, bare of any covering now, waiting out the cold like me. I have such warm, wonderful memories of lying in my hammock feeling the sun on my body, comfortable and relaxed.
I am anticipating the next week to be hard for my body as I deny it the drugs it has had for 6 years now; just a little at a time will I do this so as to not cause severe shock.
I experience tightness in my diaphragm, nausea, sleepiness. It will probably get worse. I know that they are temporary symptoms of withdrawal. I have the power to overcome this and recover my central nervous system. I disengage from the emotions that have kept me living in my past. I move forward one step, one day at a time preparing for tomorrow by living today fully.
I am enjoying the bird life out in my backyard this morning. I’ve seen five different kinds of birds come to drink and eat from my yard even though it is raining. These are California winter birds. My cat, Whiskers, has joined me now and is excitedly looking for birds also. She paces to the other side of the room now then leaves because all the birds have gone for now.
I am thankful for this warm, cozy home, for my eyes to see the beauty of the earth, for my hands that create words here and do so many things, for my brain that has the power to heal itself.
Heavenly Father is with me always, his light and the light of Christ are in me; sustaining me moment to moment just as he sustains these birds. He knows me as I know Him.
I have no doubt that I will recover my health and in a few short years the earth will be renewed with the Savior’s presence and we will all be renewed with perfect bodies; what a thought!
The day is before me. I reverence it as another opportunity to learn and grow and share my love and be better than I was yesterday.

The day
This day now
Thoughts, actions
Compelling, sustaining
Intellect, consciousness
Beauty, harmony
Thanksgiving, patience
Solitude, humanity
Nature, love,
Forgiving, enduring
Exciting, adventure                                                                                         Family    , neighbors, friends
Black and white kitty
Rain, green trees,
Red and yellow trees
Sky, air, breathe
Awareness, priorities
Prepare, Rest, Play
Enjoy, Remember.
The day.
This day.
Now.

Tracy/ Mom
November 23, 2010

A Journey of One Day #1

2010-11-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

Each day in my journey to the life of 'No Drugs, No PD' is monumental. As I type with one hand at a snail's pace, I look forward to using both hands. As my body and my brain go thru this change I'm not 100% sure what to expect except that the outcome will be better than previous circumstances. This statement may be controversial to some but for me it's the only acceptable choice.

A JOURNEY OF ONE DAY

A day in a life is a cycle of happening.
An hour in the day is a small child napping.
A minute in the hour is a waiting period.
A second within the minute is thought varied.
Or is it buried?

A day, a day, a day for what?
A day for me, it means so much.
An hour or two, a minute, a second
They’re full of meaning, never vacant.

A day is for living, thinking, learning.
A day is for pondering, loving, yearning.
A day is filled with great and profound moments,
They must not, must not pass by- unnoticed.

A cycle, an hour, a minute, a second
What just happened? Can you see it and reckon?
The thought, the feeling, the word, the gesture.
Is the makeup, the heart of our moments’ architecture.

Repetition, experience; ‘round the cycle we go
Does it e’er stop? We cannot know.
The cycle like the moment consists of memories.
Things most likely to be found in diaries.

An hour of power.
What do we do with an hour?
Just part of a schedule?
Or time in the shower?

An hour like a clock, never stops counting on
On to the next hour, on to the dawn.
Waking, working, wanting, willing
Praying, earning, stopping, filling.

Wake me in an hour
Or else I’ll be sour.
I’ll be back in an hour.
With a bouqet of spring flowers.

Mind the minutes of your existence.
Define them, remember them. Be persistent.
Wait a minute. Do you have a minute?
What is it about……………….?
It’s about the here and now, the infinitesimal minute.

Seconds in a day are like sands of the sea.
Coming and going, filling our needs.
A second passed is gone forever.
While it’s here, it must be savored.

The journey of time in one day is mystical.
For man it could be simple, even whimsical.
For God it is purely logical and spiritual.
Together they make the journey of one day eternal!

In the eternal setting, it all makes more sense, has a different value and clearer perspective. Heavenly Father knows. That's good enough for me.

Summer Highlights from my Camera

2010-09-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

My camera was clicking all summer long. In my backyard, up at the wonders in the sky, our new kitten, our family and our home. I would have forgotten many of these moments if not for my camera. Some of the experiences were a once in a lifetime 'shot'. Life is for us to enjoy. How can we not enjoy these moments.......

My neighbors cactus

This tiny bird eating our peaches

This dragonfly came back to the yard every day for a week.

Sunset

Sunrise

wildflowers in the alley

Oranges in the morning sun

The resting place of our 2 dear cats of 14 years, Monkey and Cleo.

cloud formations

A trip to Monterey

And our annual trip to Seacliffe.

Oliver and Whiskers meet.

Whiskers modeling a tutu

What our pets endure.

Tracy puts her to sleep so we can read.

naptime

Oliver and Whiskers at play!

Our hawk friends brought others to hunt on our street for a good portion of the summer-lots of gophers!!

4 of them taking a break. I got these shots from our roof.

There are 2 hawks camouflaged in the foliage.

The 3 sidekicks.

My little blonde bombshell enjoying a swim.

1st day of school carpool. (It was still summer)

I finished planting ground cover with much appreciated help.

My hardworking husband on the roof. He was up there every day for 3 months (except Sundays).

Goodbye old, ugly shingles.

Tracy's son Taz helping during their July visit.

Looks lovely!

Tracy cut down a huge pine tree that was giving both us and our neighbor a lot of trouble.

Ariana had a great time helping.

More evidence of tree work..

A much needed rest!!

We had peaches galore and fresh vegetables thanks to Clair's garden.

The watermelons were delicious.

Of course, we danced.

Thanks for these shots Cody :)

I'll never stop dancing.....

All in all, a great summer! Hope yours was great too!

What is the saying?.... We are the sum of our experiences.

Parkinson's Patients 'Can' Dance!! Still !!!!

2010-08-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'm living proof that a neurological diagnosis is not the end of function. It's been nearly 8 years since I first realized I had something going on that would impair my motor function. Through constant study, research, therapy, and a positive outlook (and perhaps the grace of God), I can still do this. Thank you to everyone who has helped me physically, mentally, and spiritually to keep going. It's been an adventure and it's not over!!!!!!

TIME. Do you have some?

2010-07-20T02:39:00.000-07:00

We refer to it often but do we understand it?

There is just no time for it.

I don't have time right now.

Just a minute, hold on a minute.

My life is not my own.

I have no control over that.

Time stands still for nothing and no one.

Time flies when you're having fun.

Time passes when you're working too hard.

Time out!

You are wasting time.

You are wasting ..my.. time.

Time for food. Time for sleep. Time for a shower. Time for.......

There is no time like the present.

Time in a Bottle.......(remember Jim Croche? 1970's) A #1 hit just before he died in a plane crash.

His time ran out.

This time it will be different.

Doing Time.

Time to go. Time to talk. Time to shut up and listen.

Time me.

How much time do you need?

Take time to smell the roses or in some cases the manure......

My time is precious.

Time to love. Time to cry. Time to laugh. Time to die.

My watch lost time.

Time stopped.

The day that Time stood still.

It's time to get going.

It's time we made some changes.

Timing is everything.

He can't keep time.

Remember the time.....?

I'll do better next time.

Give me some more time, please...

My time is up.

A moment in time.

Look at the time!

Time to get up..... Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong (for my dad)

Timeless.....

Let's kill some time. (Is that murder?)

Time is a wastin'

Time is on my side.

It's the right time.

_______________________________________________

"Yesterday is History

Tomorrow is a Mystery.

Today is a Gift.

That's why we call it the Present."

______________________________________________

Don't waste your gift of TIME.
_______________________________

Visit the friend you haven't seen in a year who lives only 20 minutes away..............
_______________________________
Call your Mom and Dad or better yet drive the entire 2 miles to their house and see them.
_______________________________

When you're hot go get some ice cream.
_______________________________

Tell your child who just ruined your favorite 'something'...."I love you".
_______________________________

Go on a date even if you just had one last night.
_______________________________

Thank God for everything!
_______________________________

Earn some money.
_______________________________

Spend some money.
On shoes.....

_______________________________
Have a heart to heart with your sister. If you don't have one, go find one.
(either a heart or a sister)
_______________________________
Stop and listen to nothing.
_______________________________________________
Go next door and meet your neighbor.
_______________________________________________
Pay for the car in back of you the next time you cross a toll bridge.
______________________________________________
Don't hang up on a telemarketer, just put the phone down and sweetly say, 'Hold on a minute'.
_______________________________________________
Laugh at a good joke.
_______________________________________________
Use your good dishes.
_______________________________________________
Forgive someone.
_______________________________________________
Call your aunt who lives 2000 miles away.
_______________________________________________
Tell your 90+ grandma or grandpa that you love them.
Then ask them what the worst thing was that your mom or dad ever did.
_______________________________________________
Just sit and think about all the great people you know or want to know.
_______________________________________________
Turn the TV off unless Dancing With the Stars is on....
_______________________________________________
Take a day off.

_______________________________________________
Have your family picture taken.
_______________________________________________
Say a prayer for yourself.
_______________________________________________
Go visit that friend from high school that you haven't seen for 20 years.
_______________________________________________
Eat whatever you want.
_______________________________________________
Create something.
_______________________________________________
Make a complete stranger smile.
_______________________________________________
Tell the clerk at the pharmacy that they are doing a good job.
_______________________________________________
Get a checkup.
_______________________________________________
Sleep in.
_______________________________
Get up early and watch the sun come up.
_______________________________________________
Learn some words in Spanish or French....or English........
_______________________________________________
Read a book you've always wanted to.
_______________________________________________
Learn a new dance step.
_______________________________________________
Perform a dance in front of a crowd even if you have Parkinson's.
_______________________________________________
Send your picture to your grandkids so they will know you.
_______________________________________________
Leave the toilets for tomorrow.
_______________________________________________
Spend time........wisely and wistfully.
When it's gone, it doesn't come again.
______________________________

What would you do differently if you knew this was your last day to live? Or if you knew it was your child's last day to live? Or your husband's.......
_______________________________________________
What time is it? It's time to stop and make time........
________________________________________________
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
____________________________________________

A 57 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 38 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Time for me to say goodbye.

An Evening on Temple Hill

2010-07-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

The temple grounds of any LDS temple is so full of color, beauty, and a strong sense of the spirit, that it is unlike any other place on earth (in my opinion). The one place that might come in second is in the tops of the mountains during the spring and summer. Strength, solitude, and awareness are the fruits of a visit to either place. My husband and I spent an evening at the Oakland Temple grounds and I had my camera. It was in the early evening. The bay was too shrouded in smog and fog to even see the buildings of the city or any bridges so my camera sought everything else within focus. I clicked as we walked up onto the terrace of the temple and down again.

It was 106 in Modesto that day. On Temple Hill it was a balmy 68-70. Even the raven knew where to find solitude. The color never stopped all through our walk. Only God can create beauty this way. I'm thankful he gave me a camera and two hands to preserve it.

Another Trip, Same Road, New Beginning

2010-05-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

In the course of my lifetime, I have made a certain road trip more times than I can count, literally. It is the road from Central California to Salt Lake City Utah and Pocatello Idaho and back again. Until now, I would describe this trip as mundane, boring, tiring, and lonnnngggg! This time around, I have a different outlook.
My second daughter, Clair, graduated from University of Utah a few weeks ago with a Bachelor of Science in Communications/Print Journalism. I couldn't miss this once in a lifetime event for her. So, we packed up our aging auto with a few suitcases, food, pillows, blankets, music, books...... You get the picture. It is about 800 miles and roughly 10-11 hours of driving depending on how fast you speed; I mean drive. Luckily I don't have to be the driver. My good husband mans that job quite well.

I decided to take pictures of anything and everything of interest to myself and the other occupants of the aging auto, my husband and my daughter, Ariana. Yes, take pictures so I could then describe this trip differently. I think it worked. There are a lot of interesting, even beautiful things between here and Utah. Even desert can be beautiful.

The Sierra Nevada's were my first picture source.

I've always wanted to take a picture of the sierra railroad structure that runs along the mountains. It has always fascinated me. I took this from our moving car; doing 60 mph. That is fresh snow in May!

I'll always love the rugged beauty of the Sierra's. There's no view of rock and tree quite like it.

The sun was just coming up as we headed east on I-80. Makes for a beautiful morning drive.

The Truckee River is always an adventure to follow and watch as you wind your way through the canyons. There were still patches of ice here and there.

And on we went into lovely Nevada!!

I love to watch the low lying clouds and the deep shadows they cast on the hills.

The clouds seem like some heavenly animal or alien waiting to trap you. Clouds are mesmerizing to me.

The skies above the mountain tops were all covered with snow and snow clouds like this one.

Another distant, snowy peak with grey skies above it.

The left side of the picture is a snow storm in progress. The mountain range goes on but you just cannot see it because of the thick snow falling. It did this all the way across Nevada, snowing in 'spots'. I've never seen anything like it.

We then come to one of our favorite spots.....The Tunnel!! Of course we have to honk our horn at least 20 times before the end of the tunnel.

We passed into Utah and captured these cool cloud shadows near Tooele.

Clair's graduation ceremony was awesome. I was so proud of her.There were over 1000 Bachelor of Science degrees given in this ceremony. They had it down to a 'science' (haha).

Clair's name was read somewhere in the middle of the 1000 + names!

It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon but it was only about 60 degrees. It snowed the day before.
Here is Clair sporting the UofU red diploma!

Then after the important person, Chad Hubby, we all had to pose with the graduate!

I was so excited to get to see and hear bagpipes. What a way to begin a ceremony! Only a true Scottsman would appreciate it!!

We then did what all humans do when they celebrate. We gathered together at a convenient location and ate something good and visited.

Here is the group minus one. We missed Cody! This was taken at Nichole's house. I was so honored to be the only grandparent or adult for that matter that Brielle would let hold her other than her mama.

After visiting at Uncle Brian's and Grandma Adam's house for a few hours (I didn't get any pictures there.....Sorry Brian and Grandma), we then traveled up to Pocatello, Idaho to visit the Budge clan.
We took Tracy's parents out to breakfast, always a treat but something I ate gave me a headache, yuck.

It just so happened that one of Tracy's nieces graduated from Idaho State University the same day that Clair did from UofU. So we got to attend a barbecue in honor of her and visit with Tracy's sister, Deb, and her family. They are a sweet, friendly bunch of people.

Lori, Deb, Tracy, Tracy, Stuart, Leeanne and her son, Sherman, Dawnetta and her husband Mathew.

I had fun watching this little bird. It had a nest in the roof of the picnic pavillion. It was nervous with all the people so close and kept looking at us like we were trying to steal it's peace and quiet.

I captured these tulips that were growing in Elaine's front yard (Mom Budge).

We then drove out to a spot called 'Blackrock Canyon' and went target shooting. Tracy brought his guns and his dad contributed a pistol and we had a grand time. Ariana and I had as much fun as the men.

View of the canyon.

Setting up a target.

The terrain was pretty scrubby.

Elaine scavenged junk while Keneth worked on targets.
I kept myself busy looking for pictures to take while the guns were getting unpacked and loaded.

Then we just had fun shooting and shooting and shooting.

Early the next morning we were on the road again....back to California.

We stopped at a rest stop and I noticed this huge birds nest. It was in a relatively low spot for such a big nest.

Then I watched this guy for a while though he didn't belong to the nest.

We then met up with Chad and Clair in Elko and ate a late breakfast. Ariana rode the rest of the way home to Modesto with them so Tracy and I could stop in Sacramento for our three appointments there the next day.

Ariana took this one of Clair while she was listening to Tracy.

This day was Mother's Day; a strange day to be on the road. But that's the way it worked out. So I thought of my mom and my step mom.

These were taken at Nichole's two days previous.

I had gifts from all my kids. And to complete the day, Cody called me while we were on the road.

I captured a few more unique, odd, and beautiful scenes as we neared the end of our trip.

In the middle of nowhere, just one other car in sight, we came upon a stoplight. And it was red. Now that was weird. So we stopped and waited for a long time and we finally saw the other car at the other end.

While we were waiting I discovered these two horses keeping each other company. They were quite a ways out in the distance from the highway.

Another beautiful Nevada desert landscape. Again, a lot of snow for May.

Our driver, my Honey, looking good!

Ariana joined him while waiting for the car to fill up. She always brings extra smiles to a moment.

Some more great cloud formations.

As we neared the Sierra's again, it was snowing off and on. There was a lot of new snow on the mountain tops.

This area was one that had been hard hit with fires a few years ago. Still beautiful.

So there you have it. The same road, a new beginning of sorts for Clair, a new beginning for me in how I perceived the I-80 corridor through 3 states, and a memorable trip filled with all of these memories.

No Ordinary Moments

2010-04-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Live in the moment.

Live for the moment.

Remember the moment.

Definition?: 1)an indefinately brief period of time

2)instant

3)a definite point in time

4)importance

....and most importantly- there are no ordinary moments !

Definition?: 1)customary, usual

2)familiar

3) unxceptional

4)common

Some 'un-ordinary'..... exceptional moments........no other words are needed!

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #31 I've Learned to Baby Myself

2010-03-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm expecting my beloved 'baby' any day now. This blessed presence will come to me weighing in at over 70 lbs. The stork disguised as a UPS driver will bring her to me. Hopefully, he will handle her with care. I'm a worry wart, you know; worry, worry, worry. When she arrives all my dreams will come true. My anxieties will be at rest, my worries will diminish, my body will get back to it's 'normal' state. Expecting 'babies' is a lot of work. But when they arrive, the world is a better place. Rest, relaxation, comfort..............................

What am I talking about you say?
My baby is made of wood, some metal, and a strong nylon/cotton fiber. She can stand all by herself from the very minute she arrives, independence at it's best. She takes care of me. Who could have known this could be possible? She beckons me to let her show me how to relax. When I listen, the words housework and laundry are only fleeting memories of bygone days. As I spend more time with her, my eyes just want to close and my tired limbs melt into her like cotton candy in a bowl of warm water.

Oh, where was I? Yes. I am getting a bit impatient.

I've gone online to track her arrival time. It's amazing how in our time of great technologies, we can track such an event in cyberspace. She left her first home at 9:53 pm yesterday- Greenbay, Wisconsin. She made her first stop in OakCreek Wisconsin at 12:48 this morning and spent about 4 hours there. She resumed her journey to me at 4:33 am. I can feel her next to me all ready!!!! Two hours later she arrived in Hodgkins, Illinois. I don't think I like that name! Worry, worry. Her status is 'In Transit. On Time'. Her ETA - 5 days! 5 days? I can't wait that long? That's an eternity!

My body needs, I mean I need her today, now. Well.....at least I can think about her as she gets closer and closer. What will she really look like? Will she safely reach me? Only the higher powers (UPS) know for sure. Worry, worry....

She left Illinois at 10:11 am yesterday and I haven't heard a word in almost 24 hours about where my beloved baby is. Worry, worry.... I guess I'll just have to have faith in the stork. He'll get her through. He takes his job seriously. After all the best service there is- UPS (Unique Personal Service) is my stork. My trust in him takes my worry down at least one notch.

Another day of waiting has passed. The waiting of the final hours is the hardest; expectations, hopes.

My trusty cyberspace tracker tells me she arrived in San Pablo, CA last night at 7:45 which is just north of Richmond and Berkeley. The stork missed my house!! The "P" service is a bit lacking. I hope the big earthquake doesn't hit before the stork figures out where my baby belongs. I mention the 'big earthquake' probably because I'm a worrier and my baby could be in the San Franisco Bay after the 'big one'!
I'd never get to see her............ I think I may have digressed a bit. Sorry.

I see now that she is safe. She left the coast of California for the final leg of her journey at 12:30 am this morning- inland to good old Modesto. It won't be long now. I guess all the 'earthquake' talk was just a tad overkill on the worry. You can never be too careful, though.

It is Day 4. Maybe she will arrive a day early. Anything is possible!! I'm only hoping she will be happy here.
"Take care of my baby Mr Stork (UPS) man." Remember what the "P" stands for.......personal, protect, punctual!!

I'll be at my front window watching and listening for the rumble of that big brown bird come to a halt in front of my house; waiting to hear the footsteps up the walkway. Footsteps that only a stork can make. They have a hint of 'schedule' in them and 'pride' in a delivery made!!

Well, she has not arrived early. Shucks. I see she arrived in Ceres this morning at 3:30 am and was put on a special stork for delivery 'TODAY' !! I've been trying to keep myself occupied so I don't go mad with expectant worry. Any time now....!!!

Well, today was the day. ETA was correct- 5 days. And now that I've waited 'paitently' I can finally show you my baby!!

Here she is.....

We shall be spending much time together. That is after the stormy weather passes. Wouldn't you know the entire 5 days I waited patiently, the skies were sunny, warm, balmy- perfect 'baby' weather. And now that she is here it is cold, windy, and raining. Well, I guess my baby is here for good and will keep until the sun comes out. More waiting but, of course, I am a patient person .........and uh uhm.....I have finally learned how to baby myself with that patience. It might have something to do with back surgery and Parkinsons but then again, it is always good for ones health to relax, rest, and recreate no matter what your health status even if it is in your own backyard! All of a sudden I like my own backyard a whole lot more!! Wish me luck!!

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #30 Defining Moments

2010-03-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

There are certain, defining moments in every life. We seem to mentally separate elapsed 'time' into categories; life categories. Some common examples could be 'before my divorce', 'since my back injury', after the birth of my children'. We all have emotional markers to index the sometimes complex events that make up our life, our existence. As I contemplate my defining moments, I realize they are all influenced by my family. You know the saying..."You can't choose your relatives"..... I think it's very possible that at one point we did 'choose' ....or.....we will choose.

There are two kinds of awareness for me concerning my choices directed at my 'family'. But first let me define 'family'. It could mean anything from 'all the people living in the same house' to 'a group of similar or related people or things'. The makeup of the modern day family is as varied in its members as the world is diverse in cultures.

The first state of awareness I have of my 'family' is of blaming them for some personal injustice which is very apparent in my life's journey; apparent to me, that is. After all, someone has to pay for my suffering. It is certainly clear to any casual observer that had my family acted differently, behaved better, my life would not have been so demeaning, so ill, so wasted. And as you know, this sort of summation has changed everything for the better...........NOT!! Everything.... meaning the outcome of my life. So... this is a    -choice.

The second or 'later' awareness I only discovered at the tail end of the above suffering. I am aware that each person whom I call 'family' wether by blood, by adoption, or by decided mutual affection or frienship; each individual is a person unto themselves, having a life of their own to figure out. They have each made choices too. They each decide how to get through it all; who to blame, who to dislike, who to avoid.....and so on.

These two evidences of an individual journey through a lifetime, I have discovered whether or not I wanted to. And because of the 'discovery' now so concrete in my neural pathways; pathways that are being born among dead 'Parkinson's' brain tissue, I cannot stay on the same path. My path now turns in a new direction, a fresh, beautiful direction filled with something different......   (I am having flashbacks of the TV series Star Trek-  ' a mission....to search out new life, to boldly go where no man (or woman in my case) has gone before'). I'm just short of being sappy. My brother Don, would have something funny/sarcastic to say about it, I'm sure.

All I know is that other people don't decide our future, we do. What family we ended up with is just what it is. Who our friends are- now that's another topic but it's also a choice, just the same. We can only learn by living day in and day out, making decisions, developing relationships, giving, receiving, laughing, crying, and let's not forget dancing.....

Back to defining moments.....a big one for me-   the moment I realized that I accept and even appreciate my family for who and what they are and stopped trying to figure them out and/or change them. And the moment I finally....... learned that I always have a choice of how to act and react to the journey I've been given. It's no one's fault, there's no blame to dish out, I don't need a reason, I don't ask 'why me'.....
The biggest discovery is what a huge weight has been lifted from off of my shoulders and my weakened back.   We all have 'a journey' filled with problems, sorrows, pain, suffering. No one is exempt. And to balance it out, there is love and goodness and beauty all around as well. It's just up to us to decide to see it. And not to just see it but to experience it, savor it, and above all remember it.

Remember it, share it and keep going. Who knows where we will end up?

I have hundreds of family pictures. Let these suffice....

part of the 'Hill' family April 2009

My family from then to now.....

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #29 A Message For a New Day'

2010-03-08T00:34:00.000-08:00

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #28 Mission Accomplished- Slowly

2010-03-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

This is my attempt at a 'do-it-yourself-low-budget' kitchen makeover. Combine the low budget part and slow, unpredictably functioning hands and you have a sort of dryly humorous adventure.

For the most part, I love to paint- anything. So I do. It's great to be the Mom! My sweet husband follows my schedule more patiently than any other human being. I couldn't have done it without his help, patience and love. This is sounding sappy all ready. You have to understand, our kitchen has been a sadly, dark room for too many years and it has been such a lift to my spirits and even to the spirit of our house to give the room a new, brighter look. It was beyond my 'painting' skills to do all that needed to be done. Aren't I lucky to have a husband that not only dances and creates lasers but is very talented with a piece of wood and a saw and a sander. He sanded and modified the cabinet doors and I painted everything. He re-hung the doors. I knew it would be a huge undertaking for me, the 'Parkie'. So we have worked in stages, slow stages I might add. We began in November of last year. This is what the kitchen looked like before we started.

My sweetie with his sanding gear on. Doesn't he look like something from outer space or some cave exploration? You wouldn't believe the amount of sawdust that this created. We tried our best to tarp off the rest of the house and he had the vaccum on with the suction working the entire time he sanded. The doors he took outside to the patio and his table saw and we had sawdust outside also......For the last two months I've had sawdust footprints throughout the house.

The entire contents of the cabinets and drawers we were working on had to be relocated to another room. Now that was fun. When we needed a plate or spoon, we went to the bedroom to get it. Or a pan, etc. It made for some interesting meals.

We made breakfast (toaster waffles) in the bathroom one morning when Ariana had a friend sleepover....

This is where all of our pots and pans lived for about a week. And the buckets were my painting pedestals for the cabinet doors. The buckets, by the way, are full of wheat (one of our emergency food storage items).

I worked on the painting as often as my hands and brain would allow. Four and a half months later, we are 3/4 finished. We still have to do the bottom half of one side of the kitchen. It will have to wait until after my back surgery. Here is a picture of the finished side. I am so happy about how it turned out that I couldn't wait to blog about it.

Not bad for Parkie with a bad back. I owe my success, as I said, to my husband and my daughter, Ariana, for being patient and helping me and taking orders so sweetly. Thanks Darling, Thanks Ariana.

There is a little more light in my life.....it is helping to heal the dark places.....in my house and in my soul.

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #27 One of My Gifts, A Tender Mercy

2010-01-11T16:05:00.001-08:00

My hawks came back today. They call their hello to draw me out to them. They wait for me to come out and find them. I feel a connection to them. They are a juvenile pair of hawks. They come to my backyard, alleyway and neighboring properties to find food. This area is plentiful in rodents such as gophers. This morning the sky is overcast and misty-wet yet not too cold. I have not gotten dressed yet when I hear their cry so I hurry out the back slider in my robe and slippers attaching my camera to the tripod as I quietly emerge into their world. They are silent now, surveying the ground below them intently waiting for an opportunity to snatch up their next meal.

One is in a tree, the other is on a post some distance from his partner. At this point I’m not sure if they are siblings or mates. I am not an expert on hawk families. I do, however, sense that they depend on each other and trust each other.

They are serenely perched still scanning the ground. I have taken many pictures by now. I am still learning how to use the more sophisticated focus abilities of my camera, not getting the long distance shots focused quite right. I am ever as quiet as I can be and move slowly not to frighten them. They seem to feel at home here; to find breakfast, that is.

One of the hawks flies closer to me and lands on the top of a post just across the alleyway from my backyard gate. He is so beautiful, regal, proud yet still young. I sense the pair communicating. One flies to another perch on a neighboring fence. The one close to me leaves his perch and rises to the highest point atop a utility pole just to my right; still within the area of my back fence. What is it like to fly above everyone else and see from that vantage point the world? This is my thought as I watch his beautiful face as he takes in the sights from such a height.

Hopefully they have found their meal. Hopefully they will return for another meal. I keep my camera and tripod ready at all times to capture another adventure with them. It is not easy for me to take pictures. I have Parkinson’s. The tripod is a necessity for my shaky hands cannot capture a usable picture without it. I love photographing nature, especially birds. I find this experience to be a gift from God. I cannot venture into the wild, so God has brought me these two beautiful creatures to share a glimpse of their life with me.

To look at the face, the eyes of a hawk or any bird of prey, is to see courage, pride, and perfect beauty. They majestically command attention of all who observe them, prey or human. Their piercing cry is a sound that says, “Hear me, watch me, I will succeed, I am flying, I am important, I am God’s creation”. Whenever I hear it, a thrill of electricity runs through me. I do not have wings to fly but their plight is not unlike my own. I too have had to cry out “Hear me, watch me, I will succeed, I am still moving, I am important, I am God’s creation.” I too am young, only 48 and have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s for some 6 years now. I live every day relishing every experience, every moment, every detail. This pair of young hawks have been another testimony that life is not just a haphazard set of events but a beautiful symphony of music lessons; lessons for the soul. To spend these quiet, fleeting moments with my two hawks has been a wondrous addition to my life’s symphony.

I will watch for them every day as I have for the past two weeks when I saw them for the first time. If they don’t come back, I will hope that they have found a new home, a new field of rodents, a life of safety and fulfillment. If they come back, I will be overjoyed to welcome them and share more time….. with my friends. I am honored to be given this time with ‘my hawks’ as I call them.

I really owe this all to my dear husband who was the first to spot them as he always does. He quietly encourages me to photograph them and is very impressed with my pictures. Thanks Darling! So if you hear the cry of a hawk, think of me, a nobody, a woman with Parkinson’s- in Modesto who shared the lives of two beautiful birds in such a personal way. Look at the hawk you hear. In it you may see me soaring to new heights with courage and determination to find my next day, to keep my sanity.

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- A Mother's Memories

2009-12-16T00:39:00.000-08:00

This time of year has me very much reflecting on years past. 2009 has been an important milestone year for our family; many incredible experiences. I cannot help but need to publish my reflections. Clair has been in the forefront of my mind today so I will begin with her. Living with Clair has been a lesson in fortitude. She is one driven soul; driven to good things.

Newborn Clair

Clair and her big sis

6 months old

2 years old

4 years old

3 years old

5 years old

Clair always tried to be a good 'big' sister.

Clair and me on a field trip in Kindergarden.

6 years old

7 years old

8 years old(she wouldn't show her toothless mouth for anything)

9 years old

11 years old

14 years old

15 (beautiful teeth after 6 yrs of braces)

A picture for every occasion

Clair always liked dancing and the arts in her life...

Clair never passed up an opportunity to have fun, perform and perfect the task....

16 years old

17 years old

Clair always loved to pose!

brothers and sisters...

Clair's Engagement to the man who borrowed part of her heart from us..

A last moment together with my Clairbear.

Her beauty and style are easily shared with the other women in her life

She is now more than just my daughter. She is a grown up, a wife, a woman.

This is what it feels like to be a mother, seeing my happy girl........

If there is one lesson that Parkinson's has taught my children, it is compassion and service. Clair has always been an example of these two qualities. She has been like a 2nd mother for our family when I could not be. I give thanks for my 'mother memories' of my little 'Clair Bear' who is now my beautiful grown up friend. It makes all your stubbornness ok, Clair. Thanks for being you and teaching me and helping me to be who I am. Your mom.

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- Thanksgiving, the beginning of a Holiday State of Mind

2009-12-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

We started the month of Nov with a fun night at the Carousel Dance club with some of our dance friends.

Thanksgiving day...

Ariana dazzled everyone with her artwork. Something to do before dinner. She's like her big sis...

I was happy to have 3 of my four kids and my dad and stepmother at our home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Also joining us, though not in any pictures was my dear friends, Elaine Morris and Patricia Bryte. Their
pictures here are from previous occasions.

Patricia Elaine

Thanksgiving is all about eating and making the eating 'place' beautiful. I love my new eating place......
I loved setting my new dining room table which sits more than 4 people ...yeah!

I coaxed everyone to stand still for a picture before dinner.

Cody and Clair....so good to have them here together again. Seems like yesterday that they were little and planning mischief together.

Cody gave Oliver a lesson in cool Thanksgiving Day attire.

Oliver wasn't near as excited as Cody about their matching shirts..

Grandma and Grandpa relaxing......... Pizza Night!

A new outfit for Grandma.

Some great pictures of the Oakland Temple and the bay.....

Our tree Nichole's cinnamon star she made in 1st grade!

Cody's 1st ornament (sorry Clair, I don't have one of yours...love you though)

Some of my favorite angel ornaments

Just after Grandp and Grandma went home we went into a few days of deep freeze in Modesto.

Lots of ice. So many people were falling and getting hurt. Californians...........

Ariana's school

Our Frosty roof

The sky above our house at 7:30 am the morning of the first freeze

We took a temple trip with Chad and Clair and got some pretty pictures again. It was stormy the whole day and temple hill was shrouded in mist-

We saw at least 3 different rainbows on the way home.

Our cutest little niece in the world- JoJo. I took this picture waiting for Ariana when we picked her up from Marshall's house where she stayed while we were in Oakland.

That's our last month or so....

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #27 Feeling Sorry For Ourselves Are We?

2009-10-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

I decided to write away my anguish and self-pity today.  It's anguish that creeps up when I let my guard down or rather when I forget how blessed I am. It's self-pity that turns me into a whining, crying less than dignified me. The disease, Parkinson's (I almost typed 'my disease', it is not my disease) is trying once again to spread and gain strength. I feel confident, almost, that this is another misunderstood set of symptoms and that my usual 'diseased state' will re-emerge. It is a disease that is so misunderstood and not understood that the uncertain and shifting faces of PD will most likely never be revealed or explained. It is my opinion that a disease that slowly steals your body away from your living soul is as unique to each soul who is 'lucky' enough to experience it as each physical body is unique. God created our bodies to house our souls so we could gain experience and knowledge and wisdom. Each body is as unique as each soul is unique. Thus we handle disease differently. We handle life differently. See where I'm going with this?

This past week I have had to forgo many activities because of PD. It's not that I want to hide away. My hands don't move when my brain tells them to. I cannot smile. I cannot stand up straight.  I cannot sleep. When I do sleep it is full of awful dreams that leave me more exhausted than when I went to bed. These outward physical appearances are hard for most people to watch or recognize or understand. It is tiring explaining it to one more person and watching their reaction or trying to soften the blow when they realize what I'm talking about. God has blessed me with a few friends and family members, however, who do understand and know how to get through the awkward situations with everyone's self-esteem and happy moment still intact.

I really miss the spontaneity of life. Once in a while I have a spontaneous experience and I savor it. Writing is like that for me. Right now, my fingers are working so I'm writing (typing that is). For now, that has to serve as my spontaneous moment.

To all my dance friends, I want you to know that I relish every moment of dancing with you and sharing that part of us that we all love- dancing. It is what has kept me going for some 6 years now since I was diagnosed. Unless there are chemicals somewhere, dancing nearly erases all my PD symptoms.  The music, my perfect dance partner, and good friends who understand my desire to dance all feed my brain with PD fighting food. Thank you for that. You'll never know really how much you impact my existence for good.
To those of you who have answered my call to dance 'Something in Red' and 'Takin a Chance on Love'...thank you, thank you for giving me the experiences I have dreamed about. I may never have another chance to experience something like that again. Never take for granted the moments here and now when you can do whatever you want to do. I will treasure the memories and the videos of these days and months we spent learning to dance as a group. I can only hope I will be granted more time for more dancing.....

So, I'm feeling a little better, a little less whiny, a little less picked on. Let me tell you what I have to be thankful for-
You all know what a wonderful husband I have.

I have 3 beautiful daughters and 1 beautiful stepdaughter. My two oldest girls are married to 2 perfect sons-in-law. I have 1 perfect grandaughter. And I have 1 sweet, wonderful son and 1 exceptional stepson.

I have a lovely home and friends like you. I live in this amazing land of America where I can exercise my freedoms and God given agency. I can walk, talk and dance. I can see, hear and taste. I have great parents and siblings, even though some of them don't know it.

I am blessed. I feel even better. PD is fading into the background again. It's all good. Thanks for listening.
Life goes on. Tomorrow will be better.

A message to end with-
Saint Theresa's prayer;
May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I was blessed to capture this sunset over a foggy San Francisco bay with my camera. My friend Patricia tells me 'I am out of this world' to have captured this picture! This picture has come to be my beacon of hope in a new day. I have faith the sun will rise again for everything and for everybody....in time, in time. I will savor today and hope for more time....

Oliver at our house

2009-10-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

We are watching Oliver, Clair and Chad's newest family addition, while they are in Monterey with the Bringhurst clan. He loves the backyard but is missing his family I think.

He loved a walk around our street with Ariana.

My Gutter Adventure

2009-10-17T21:54:00.001-07:00

I have discovered that during my life there have been times when, for some reason, the events have been written indellibly in my brain. I think about them like they happened yesterday. It is a strange thing to me that I can ponder an experience for 40 + years. I have also realized that these experiences always have to do with one or more of my senses like taste, smell, hearing (like music), or a very strong, unmistakable emotion or sensation.

This writing is a memory I have of two separate incidents when I was quite young, probably only 4 years old. The effect of the experience has not dulled over 40 years. I feel it like it was yesterday. I needed to write it. I've made some corrections and added pictures. My Gutter Adventure.....

My restlessness grew stronger with each passing minute. I could wait no longer. Outside the sky was dark. I felt its electricity pulling me like a magnet. Confinement to the house during a summer rainstorm was torture. I was a captive in my own house, an excited steel ball jumping and jerking to meet the drawing force of Mother Nature. At last I broke my bonds and like a slingshot I was through the front door and heading straight for the large gutter that lay between the sidewalk and the street in front my house. A wide, deep gutter accommodated the heavy runoff from storms such as these. During good weather, the gutters were a daily annoyance as the family car slowed to a crawl and rolled across it avoiding damage to the bottom of the car. When it rained, the gutter’s intended purpose became evident to adults as it took the storm waters to the drain at the end of the street. To me its purpose was different. The storm reminded me of it again. I stopped suddenly but briefly to contemplate what was before my eyes. I saw wonderful, warm water gushing, bubbling before me heading for some unknown destination, perhaps to another little girl’s house. It was here in front of my house. I would not let it go to waste.

Off came my Sunday shoes! Off came my Sunday dress! I absently deposited them on the driveway as I flew to the glorious sight in the gutter. With my clothes forgotten, everything and everyone forgotten, it took only seconds before my imprisoned soul immersed in the rushing water.
I lay on my stomach with only my nose and eyes peering above the water. The gutter was a perfect depth to accommodate my size. The unusually strong current rubbed and scrubbed every curve and bony protrusion of my little body. The water was foamy with warmth as I let it swirl around my neck and jaw. I was alone in my safe, warm place. It made me happy!
As I turned over on my back I looked above me, my body still buried in water. I had to press down with my palms to keep myself from moving along with the water. The air was dark and heavy. The storm-clouded sky seemed so close I could pop one of the clouds with a simple splash from my foot.

I was comfortable and complete in my underclothes, lying in the warm water, learning about currents, gravity, and stormy skies.
KABOOM! ! The ground shook beneath me. KABOOM!! FLASH!! The sound of thunder mixing with my excited senses fully enveloped my brain. I laughed loudly and lay deeper in the water.
The lightning confirmed the message of the thunder.
“I am warm and powerful. I will leave water in your gutter. Come and play.”
I was not afraid of the thunder and lightning. Down came more water from the clouds just above my head. It, too, was warm and I welcomed it into my gutter.
KABOOM!! FLASH!! FLASH!!
“Siiiiiiii-ster!” called a voice.
The voice floated towards me from a distance. As it mixed with the sound of rain, rushing water and thunder, it could not penetrate my storm world. I did not move my eyes from the clouds.
“SIIIII-STER!” It came again. It was closer, breaking through my watery shell.
Suddenly a face was in my cloud. It was my mother. What was my mother doing in that cloud?
“Sister!” What are you doing?
Her voice was still not reaching through my warm, wet place and into my ears. She tried again.
“Sister! What are you doing out here?
“What a silly question”, I thought. “Wasn’t it obvious?”
Before I could speak, my mother had me by the hand, pulling me from the gutter. She hurried me towards the house, picking up my clothes along the way.
“Sis, it’s dangerous outside in a thunder storm. You are lucky you were not struck by lightning. You are also lucky, young lady, that we have all ready been to church. Your dress won’t be fit to wear again today,” she stated all in one breath.
I was sad that my gutter would be without me now. The water was warm but the walk to the house gave my skin a dose of cold shivers as the stormy air blew through my wet hair and into the skimpy, wet clothes that clung to me. I did not mind my mother’s intrusion long as I started to shiver in my underclothes. The inside of the house felt extra warm and inviting.
I suddenly had an important thought. I spoke aloud without realizing it.
“What is ‘dangerous’ and why would the lightning ’struck’ me?
My mother’s face became serious as she thought. I guessed she was thinking about ‘dangerous’ and ‘struck by lightning’.
“It means that sometimes moms get scared when their girls don’t stay in the house during storms. What am I going to do with you, my funny girl?” she said with an affectionate smile on her face.
I looked at her face trying to decide if she was angry with me. I decided she was not. She took my hand in hers and off we went to find a dry spot for my puddles.
____

I awoke with a start as a loud ‘BOOM’ echoed from my sleepy mind. I could not see anything. I put my hand up to rub my eyes and I could not see it. My hand was lost in the dark of my room. I now remembered I was alone in my bed in the basement. The basement got this dark during the night sometimes. ‘BOOM’! I flinched with the sound now. From somewhere in my room mixed with the intermittent ‘BOOM’, I heard a chilling, evil laughing. I froze on my pillow, terror filling my mind. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see what might be in my room. Would I be able to see it in this dark? Peeking open one eye I now saw light coming from somewhere. Surprised, I opened the other eye. I realized that the light was close to the ground so I sat up, not letting go of my blankets. The awful, laughing thing seemed to be part of the light. I studied the source of the light and decided that it must be right by my bed. With some light to give me confidence, my terror warmed into fright that calmed into careful curiosity.
“This was my bed, after all.”
I leaned to the side of my bed and stretched my neck and eyes as far as possible to see what might be beside my bed without actually getting too close. I did not see anything. It must be under my bed! My curiosity was strong. I leaned my whole body over the side of the bed that was not against the wall. As I pulled the blanket up from the floor, more light poured out from under the bed. In the center of the space underneath my bed was the source of the light and the awful laughing sound. Fear and curiosity mesmerized me. A puppet with a tall, purple, pointed hat was looking at me. The pointed hat had yellow stars on it. The stars seemed to look at me also. The puppet had dark, menacing eyes with pointed eyebrows that accentuated the evil laugh. It had short, stubby arms and hands and no feet. The light appeared to come out of the puppet’s cruel, laughing mouth. I decided the light was not light but rather a kind of magic mist that the puppet had used to trick me. It wanted to scare me.

Now I knew a person’s hand controlled puppets. I had seen a puppet show somewhere. No one was holding this puppet! It was alive and lived under my bed! The instant this realization formed in my mind, the puppet seemed to grow and wanted out from under the bed! I let out a scream, a long, terror-filled scream!
BOOM!! My bedroom screamed with me.
My head hurt. My stomach hurt.
“Someone help me. Don’t let the puppet get me!!” I wailed in utter terror.
I tried to scream again. Instead of words coming out of me, vomit spewed out all over my blankets. The puppet had me. His little, stubby hands were shaking me.
“Sister. Tracy. Wake up.”
My mother gently rocked me back and forth with her hands until I opened my eyes. It was not the evil puppet! It was my mother. Out came more vomit. My mother jumped up to avoid the yucky stuff.
“I think your gutter play today was not so good for you. You’re sick”, she said with concern in her voice as she felt my head.
BOOM!! We both jumped at the continuing thunder.
“Aren’t you glad you’re not out in the storm now? It’s a bad one.”
At this moment, my mother seemed very wise!
“Oh, honey, you are burning hot. Let’s get you out of this mess.”
Obediently I let my mother take me upstairs and clean me up. I was so thankful for my mother who knew how to make me all better.

After some time I found myself crawling wearily between fresh sheets on the bed upstairs in the spare room. My mother tucked me in, felt my head again and kissed my hot face as I drifted into sleep. This time it was free of puppets…

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #27 Life Goes On

2009-10-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

This post is in honor of my grandaughter, Brielle Tandy, who is turning 1 today! Being a grandmother still seems very odd when I say it. But when I see Brielle and what a beautiful, sweet spirit she has I am so happy and comfortable with the title of grandma. Having PD at a younger age has definately impacted all aspects of my life. And being a grandma now I think about how my grandchildren will perceive me. I don't want them to remember me for PD but for who I am. Therefore, it is necessary for me to dwell on the things I can do for my grandaughter and not the things that I cannot do. On my last visit I crawled up the stairs with her, played on the couch with pillows with her (her favorite thing), and sat on the floor with her. She is so precious, just like her mom and dad. They are wonderfully patient parents. So for her birthday I am making her a red velvet dress for winter and I recorded this video for her mom to show her. These are things I can definately do for her without too much difficulty. Life goes on in spite of my age or illness. And it is a good life; especially with a grandaughter as beautiful as mine. Happy Birthday Brielle. Grandma loves you

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #26 Parkinson's Patients Dance

2009-09-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Please take a few minutes and read the following article written by my new found friend, Bob Dawson, on his site "Parkinson's Patients; yes we can dance" I've inserted the link below. This article makes me very happy. The picture is me, of course, a Parkinson's patient. My dance partner, my husband is not a Parkinson's patient. Can you tell any difference? Read what Mr. Dawson has discovered and shared with us. You'll be amazed.........It's entitled-

Olie Westheimer says, 'They need to dance'

To read the article click on the title of this post and it will take you to the article.

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #25 Photographs- The Window to my Soul

2009-09-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

As I have pondered, studied and prayed for healing, it has come in many forms. God has blessed me with an overwhelming desire to capture my life's events and the world around me in photographs. My dear husband purchased a camera for me knowing of my desire. I have to take pictures almost as much as I have to dance. Pictures never die and never lie; at least not through my camera. You've heard 'the eye is the window to the soul', well, my camera is an extension of my soul's eye. I find a message for my soul in everything I photograph. And I have recently realized as I have been discovering the world through a camera it has been a healing balm to my PD existence. It helps me remember the past events that I would most likely not remember because of Pd. It reminds me of the majesty of God's creations; me being one of them. And last and maybe most important, I can share this part of myself in such a way that is unlike verbal or written feeling, thoughts or memories. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as is truth. Seeing is believing. My photographs have become a confirmation of my faith in God and in my future. There is beauty in the world even when there is ugliness. There are peaceful, happy faces in the world even when there is war and pain. There is a bright future even when there has been a bleak past. These pictures were taken from Idaho, Utah, Nevada, Modesto, Monterey, and Seacliffe. My travels are not extensive. There is beauty wherever you will see it. The clue here is do you take the time to listen to what is around you every day? This world is here for us. We are here for each other. That alone is beautiful. God has not forgotten anything. It is up to us to remember..........

I've chosen some of my favorites and not in any special order. It's not a complete list of favorites just as many as my 'old' computer would download before freezing up. Enjoy!

Life With Parkinson's in my 40's- #23 Beach Bums and Dancers

2009-09-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

This month as we tried to decide on what we could afford as far as recreational activities and date nights, we had fun without spending a whole lot of money. The first choice for me is always dancing and/or the beach. We invited three dear ladies who we know from church to accompany us to our monthly ballroom dance with a live 'swing era' band. They are all widows and have really affected our lives with their kindness, wisdom, and pure love of Christ that they exhibit. They were thrilled and thoroughly enjoyed the music from their 'younger days'. One of them danced with Mr. Tracy.

*********Our dear friends- Wanda, Joanne and Dee-

I wore a dress that I had made previously and only worn once. This picture is of us on this night. I love red. People notice it and I just feel like I dance better in a dress like this. I'm sure I don't dance better but it feels like it. I've had a touchy week with PD. I always go on faith that I'm going to move well enough to dance without making a fool of myself. Most of the dance attendees do not know that I have PD and that's the way I like it. I took it very easy the entire two days before the dance night, got enough sleep, tried (just tried) to eat well. And on the day of the dance I time my medications just right as to give me peak utilization of it in the later evening. The atmosphere is fun, we have so many good friends there, the music is so uplifting, and dancing with my prince charming is so fulfilling.

********Our dance friends and wonderful people- Sal and Mary

*********John and Karen, Joe and Mary-

I never get enough dancing. I never last the full 3 hours anymore, but close. I wore a new pair of ballroom shoes and ended up with a few blisters but it's always worth it. Dance night was Saturday. Then on Monday morning, Labor Day, we took off at 8:00 am for Monterey. It's always a longer drive than I remember. But it's always worth it. We missed the low tide but still managed to climb out a ways and get some spectacular pictures. For all of my pics from this day you can go to flickr.com.

*********Me and my prince charming!

**********The girls!

*********More of me and the prince; a change of costume for me-

Getting ready to leave; walking on the beach is so peaceful even with noisy birds and tons of kids playin.

Now this is one of my luckier shots. Notice the sailboat, then the dolphin, and the birds feeding on fish; it's so cool!

There was spectacular surf. And there was also some daring surfers. I'll post those videos later.

These sea pelicans were performing thrilling aerial stunts. I could have watched them for days.

Our world is so beautiful. Our families are so beautiful. Life is good even when bad things happen. It's what you make of the 'things' that counts.

I was so thrilled to get lucky and catch these beautiful dolphins;the most beautiful, intelligent animals swimming the oceans.

Wishing you pleasant days, many wonderful memories and much love-